here's to the single life

I've never been so misirably blissful, I just burst into tears for no reason, well there usually is a reason but it's not that real reason cause I don't know what the real reason is. I'm an emotional train wreck and I can't take it. Jimmy and I brok up (my choice).. and that doesn't mean that I don't care about him or that I never want to see him again but I feel like me keeping in touch is killing him slowly and he's too pridful to say anything. I know sometimes when we get off the phone I cry, I can't put a finger on why or what caused it but I just feel like a part of me is missing. I hear that normal when you give peices of yourself to someone and then that someone dies, that's what's sopposed to happen, not that you arne't together anymore, they are sopposed to die, not that I would ever want Jimmy to die! I would NOT be able to handle that if he did. So I'm glad that he's not dead (beyond glad) but really I guess you are sopposed to get a commitment and have a commitment to someone before you give your heart away.
*note to self*
remember to look ahead before jumping in with both feet
*back to the ramble*
I just don't know what to do and he thinks I have all these people who are supporting me and lifting me up when I cry and all these people who I can call anytime I want to and I prolly do have a number of people like that. but I'm to 'hold it together' to call them. (most of them) I just had an episode and I picked up my phone and I needed to talk to someone and I couodn't think of one person, so I called my sister, who didn't answer her phone (when I needed her the most *guilt trip*) and so than I had no one. I tried my other sister who also has a life and wouldn't take my call... so that's it, two people who I'm related to so they have to love me and accept me and they can't even help and I guess I could call someone else but I don't want to get into it with anyone here, they are all concerned with how I feel and they will keep asking me when really I just need someone to talk me down off this ledge and get me sane and then never mention it again... and in all this stupid me thought I could reconnect with my ex... whoa Abi, where was my support then, nowhere apparently, I'm not ready for that. I can't handle getting over Jimmy and getting over him at the same time, not that I'm not over him, I am but really it's like reliving everything all over again and I don't want to have to deal with that, maybe that's what God is trying to tell me that I need to just get over things all at once, like a crash course. who knows. I need to do some school work, maybe I'll catch you up later, just to clarify, Jimmy and I are over as are Dustin and I. I have no desire to date anyone for a very long time, even if the new guy is really nice, I'm honestly thinking of just being single for the rest of my life, but part of me still wants to go on dates and be treated like a princess and be able to do it on my own time and all that jazz which is never gonna happen cause that's not the way the world works. so here's to the single life. (I know this is confussing but if I didn't put it out there I wouldn't ever and it's really just thoughts as they run through my head they aren't concrete and no decisions, mine or yours should be made based on them they'll prolly change tomorrow, so here I am.. AGH