I Shouldn't Write 'How to' Books

Sometimes the right things hurt, like when you disipline a child or when you have to say goodbye to someone and you don't really want to. 'Why does the right thing hurt so much?' is one of the questions I find myself asking God. Tonight just to give you some background. I was sopposed to go out with Dustin and we were going to originally watch 'The Notebook' Then with strong warning from my family (*stasi*) I told him I would rather not watch such a romantic movie with him because I didn't think that it would be the best signal to send him because we aren't dating. So he was kinda perplexed by that (I guess that's the right word for it) but he went along with it (like he does all of my random mood swings) and we changed the movie, then he was all about not doing it in the lobby of Boon, but instead doing it in one of the classrooms of Boon, so I decieded that was also not the best of signals, alone in a darkened room with him. So I nixed that idea too. So then tonight he calls and he's like 'karate is meeting in the lobby so we can either cancel or do it upstairs' To which I was very apprehensive, because although I wanted to hang out with him, I was now worried about the message that I was sending. So I decided to nix the whole thing, which brought on a ton of stuff that I'm about to explain in great detail to you all. See I got there (because he talked me into comming to talk about my 'problems') and he has flowers and rootbeer and cheese curls (I'm a sucker for rootbeer and cheese curls). And he obviously had this all planned out to be a wonderful evening. So he wanted to talk and I just realized that for as concrete as it was in my mind I couldn't at that moment put into words a coherent explaination of what I had been working over in my mind for the past month in bits and peices. So I told him that I didn't want to talk about it. Then as I was getting my stuff to leave, I accidently knocked the flowers over onto the floor (bad move). Basically anything that could go wrong on my Valentines Day did.
*Side Note*
Did I mention that instead of being warm like it has been, it snowed and was rainny, Naufey as my sister would say)
*Back to the Horror*
So here is an explaination or just my random thoughts to help me get them together to talk to him. See I broke up with him... umm... 2 months ago (I'm sure he remembers the exact date, that's the story of our relationship, he remembers everything I remember nothing) ANYway, we broke up and he did the whole groveling thing and all, and well, I called him 4 days later, not on my own accord, well I guess I should explain that. See before we dated we were really close friends, and we talked all the time and then we started dating and we talked even more than all the time (we talked in our sleep, at least I did) and so I went from having my bestfriend around to talk to anytime I wanted to having noone to talk to and not being able to call my bestfriend and finally (4 days after breaking up) I got sick of it and decieded that it was rediculous for me not to call my bestfriend just because I broke up with my boyfriend. So I called. (totally oblivious to the signal that I was sending to the poor heartbroken guy) So we began talking at first on the phone just a little then a lot and then we started hanging out, in groups, then alone and at first just a little then more and more, and then a ton. So we were basically seen as being back together .. I was just happy to have my bestfriend back. And now we had benefits that we didn't have when we first started. So that was great... NOT!... so as all of this was going on, I realized that I was sending him mixed signals, one saying, 'we are just friends and that's all I really want' and one that was saying, 'I want to be with you I'm just scared of commitment and I will get over it, hang with me here.' So I realized that it wasn't fair to him to put him through this guessing game every day so I finally decided that although it could mean that I lose my bestfriend for good I was going for it, I was going to make him understand that we were broken up, I decied to do this in proper Abi fashion of course by acting distant and not really talking with him about it. That needless to say doesn't work, my book on 'How to Handle a Dating Relationship' failed miserably. So back to square one, what to do, then tonight happens and I figured that 'I was done sending those signals his way' 'I was not going to give into the fleshly part of me that loved having him hold me and kiss me everyonceinawhile' I was putting my foot down, yet again the book on 'How to Manage a Dating Relationship' also failed to make the cut. So now I'm left with a totally confused guy who loves me blindly and would do anything for me. And me in a puddle of emotion yet again. This was not how my Valentines Day was sopposed to go!