My Dad the Pirate King

So lately I have been finding out tons of things about my parents that I never knew about them. For example, one friend brought to light that they may have sued a man in FL in the '80's. This sounded absurd to me and turned out to be just that according to my mother, however what are the chances that there was another David Havener out there who met a Brenda and got married? Strange.
Then today I find out the my dad is being held hostage on a lifeboat in Africa... who knew, I mean last time I talked to him his phone was cutting out a lot but still there were no 'argh''s in the background or singing. (pirates always sing)
I found some information as I was investigating the pirates holding my father in this absurd manner; who holds hostages against the US navy and FBI and Coast Guard in a lifeboat? a lifeboat. What kind of sissy navy must we have if they can't take over a lifeboat? Anyway, I'm not worried, these pirates can't be very good, first let me remind you of the lifeboat, then there is this lovely quote:

"A pirate named only as Badow told the Associated Press that a "good number of well-equipped colleagues" were heading to the scene to help the pirates escape. "We are not intending to harm the captain, so that we hope our colleagues would not be harmed as long as they hold him," Badow said."

So many things wrong with this;
1. His name is Badow? That's his pirate name? come on...
2. He is talking to the associated press via satellite phone. I guess pirating has changed since Johnny Depp
3. And his language isn't at all what you would expect from a pirate; 'colleagues' 'not intending to harm him' 'we hope our colleagues won't be harmed'? Where are the 'arghs' and the crass nature?
4. They sound like they don't really want a hostage anyway... no walking the plank (can you put one of those on a lifeboat?), no ..? I dont know... I feel they should be more violent or crass....
I feel jipped. My dad is only gonna be stolen (ok he gave himself up) by pirates once in his life, and it's turning out all wrong.
Thanks a lot Hollywood for my unrealistic views of pirating.