"Did your parents cry in front of you when you were younger?" It's just a simple question, but it has such implications. I have found that the emotional health of the child is based largely (not wholely) on the emotional health that the parents display. My parents never really showed emotion (ie crying, yelling) around me when I was younger. From that I formed my belief that to show emotion is weakness. To cry makes you vulnerable and to yell is insensitive. So that was fine when I was still in the environment but now I'm out in the 'real world' and I have found that my assumptions are not true and are in fact harmful. Last night I was talking to my roomie about this and she said that sometimes it annoys her about my happiness that seems to be present all the time. she said "sometimes I just want to tell you to stop smiling because I know that's not how you feel" and over break someone said to me that I have an aura of happiness and carefreeness. That it seems as if I don't feel hurt or sad ever. Well that's not true, the other night I was hurt, and I cried, but even when I was crying I felt foolish and dumb, like I shouldn't have the right to cry and expect other people to hold me up. (which they did, I have amazing friends) but when I think about it it kinda scares me because although I know that I can cope with the way I am, I dont' want to screw up my children. I want them to be healthy but I don't even know where to begin as far as showing the correct amout of emotion with my children. I have a long time until I have to really worry about kids but I do worry sometimes that I'm not really fit to be a mother and that is the reason I am the way God made me. But when I look at that it reaks of the devil, I know it's just a lie right from him to hold me down, but you know, sometimes you know it's not the truth but you still believe it. I don't know what brought this rush of emotional thinking on me but I really wish I could just remain in my 'happy bubble' as some people call it and not have to worry about anything.
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