Alone

So I never understood what that guy ment when he said he 'was lonely even in a room full of people'. But this month, this semester I do. Mandi isn't here but really, there must be more. That can't be the sole reason I feel so meloncaully. There are days when I sit in my room alone, and feeling sad for myself b/c I have noone to hang out with then, someone will call and invite me out and what does sad little me do?... I politely decline and make up an excuse why I can't go. Then I continue to feel sad for my lonely self. How pathetic is that. I rationalize in my head that they dont want to really hang out with me and that I wouldn't have fun or that they wouldn't have fun if I went. Really I know those are all lies. I have wonderful friends who love me and I always have fun with them, even when you would think fun is impossiable.
But what can cause this? this ... I don't wanna call it depression but... this meloncaully feeling? The feeling that none of your friends want to be bothered with you, or the feeling that you are fat and ugly and the feeling that you will be single and strange for the rest of your human life and that you might just might be reencarnated as a toad. This makes me sadder to be writing about my pathetic life. So please don't comment just read and join me in my feeling of being alone even in the sea of friendly faces that surround me.

random

My life has exploded.. if you could see my bedroom you would understand. it's nice not having a roommate to share all this space with but I love my Mandi and wish she was here to kick my butt into gear (she was always good at that). But she's in Fiji and haveing a grand time, swimming like a fish and fishing with a spear, really all I hear about are fish so... anyway yesterday I was having a crappy busy day and I went to my mailbox and I had a pink slip! (which means there is a package for you!) so I went and picked it up and it was my b-day gift from Mandi! that sly fox had her sister send me a package for my birthday! That's why I love her. God is so GOOD!
Plus my Daddy is comming to see me this next week (well not me specifically but still...)
Maybe this week isn't as crazy as I thought it was .. but .. its almost over.. how time flies

Celebrate

So I'm 21 now.. wooooppy-do! (that's real excitement not sarcastic excitement) I didn't do anything exciting this year.. or the year before, or any of my birthday's that I can remember, well there was maybe one. My family sees birthdays as something that is expected, why celebrate? you survived another year. we expected you to do that. I guess it's not until you don't survive another year that you wish you had celebrated all those years before. My family feels the same way about high school graduation and college graduations, I'm not sure yet but I don't think weddings are out of the ordinary either. And for me it double sucks cause I have amazing sisters who are both genuises, and so if anyone gets a celebration it's them and I stand no chance.
I'm really not just depressed or having a bad day it's just the facts of life. For my 21st birthday I had to hound my father to come out to dinner with my sister and I, I received no cards and only one gift (a bunny-bop-n-toss) from Micah, my sister's boyfriend.
I'm also not telling you this so you feel bad for me, like I said this is just the facts of life. I enjoy my family because I know that they have high expectations for me, they push me, in a healthy way. But just sometimes I wish SOMETHING was good enough for a celebration. we are a family full of joy, each of us on our own and when we are together, I guess we celebrate every moment so when one moment has a great life event, our celebration just goes on.
For once I want to feel celebrated.

A Strange Grange

So this week I'm home from school for Spring Break and we are just hanging out (Stasi and Ami and I) becasue Stasi is leaving for Slovakia in the next two weeks. So I came home Fri night and Sat I got up early to sing on the WT and then we went shopping for an outfit for me to wear on my outing that night... we were going square danceing!!! it was sooo much fun! (we didn't dress funny in the end).. it was kinda a blind outing for me because I didn't have a guy to take so I was going with Judah's friend Gerry... That was fun, he was kinda akward (well not him) The situation (well not that either) OK so lets just say it was a little off (I'm not sure how to express how I feel in words sometimes) So we went square dancing..
First we got lost.. so I know a LOT about Gerry cause all we could do was talk, we talked about Broasting (Do you even know what that is?) and I now know what a grange is! So we got there and the square dance, first of all you do dance in a square.. it's crazy, who knew (I never did this in HS gym) Alright so also I learned how to *alaman left* which I can't explain but I can show you if you ask... and well now I can say that I can square dance... (do you think you can put that on your resume?)

Dear God

Dear God- I can't escape work for a moment.. now they are sending me emails!!! AHHHH