Snow

Today it snowed, I was in a car (not mine) listening to Stacy Orico and suddenly there were about 10 flurries and then nothing but I still maintain that it was the 'first snow' of the year for me! I don't usually like to see snow but this year I make an exception because it's been so dang warm lately that I am enjoying the prospect of having some snow... just some.

Agape

This weekend I got to (on a fluke) go to my boyfriend's church for a seminar on the Love of God. It was really interesting and I enjoyed it a lot. It made me think about how much God does love me, and how often I don't think about it and how I need to really abide in His love because his love is for me and I am special. I also got more comfortable at his church and with his pastor (who is a nice man).
in conjunction with all of this I found that I like adding English ending to Greek words. such as Agape. (meaning love). Here are some examples:
1. I agaped him until he broke my heart.
2. I am agapeing these shoes!
3. My mother agapes me.

you can also use endings from other languages, such as spanish.
agapeindo you all!

More Jesus, Less World

Faith and Fear are made of the same, both faith and fear beleive that something that can't be seen will happen.

Many things are needed, only one thing is necessary.

God is good. I am realizing this more as I spend more time with him. Try it.

Good Day

Things that are Good about Today:
1. I passed my CST (261)
*yeah for me!*
2. The sun is shining and I'm not wearing a scarf for the first time in 5 days
3. My sister is having a worse day than I am. (sorry about the yougurt)
4. I had breakfast with my roomie
5. Midterms aren't quite as scary today. :)
6. Jesus loves me (I learned that in sunday School)

Too Little Too Late

So I've been reading blogs from friends (because I'm a bad one and I have no other way of finding out what is going on in their lives than reading their online blogs) but I am encouraged to see that I am not the only one who is overwhelmed with being a Sr. in college. I am not the only one who has taken on too much in an effort to fit it all in to the last 'wonderful' moments of being in college. I am not alone in feeling disillusioned that being a Sr. would suddenly make life exciting and add more hours to my days. I'm not the only one who has replaced good-byes with 'let's hang out sometime' (both sides knowing the whole time that seeing eachother is just a nice thought and won't acctually come to be)
Maybe I have loaded myself too full this semester, maybe I've taken on too much, maybe I set the standards too high for myself as a friend and girlfriend and student and employee. Maybe.
I like Meg's idea, I'm moving to Australia with her.

My Current State

I'm home, yes, I didn't go to my roomies for the weekend, even though it was her birthday party... I'm a bad friend. So I was going to stay at school for the break, then mandi needed me to come and meet her half way to pick up the girl who she took with her (cause the girl had to be back Mon and mandi's not coming back till Tue). So then I went to church, freaked out and then decided to come home. I packed in 3 min. and jumped in my car and went home. Life is good. (the only thing about packing in 3 min is that you forget things... like undergarments...) such is life.. I'm glad to be home.

just a note to those who wonder

There was valet parking, cocktail hour and a Russian ball room involved. Life is good.

Warm (Fuzzy) Things

I have three warm things... well four warm things I guess....
I have a warm fuzzy sweater from my mommy and my ami
I have a warm fuzzy feeling because the package I picked up today was for me! (last time I picked up a package, I opened it and inside was a HUGE fuzzy pink sweater, "Who would send this to me" I thought so I looked for a letter (there was none) so I looked on the outside and realized that they gave me the wrong package.... I felt so bad for opening it.
I also have warm coffee, which is not fuzzy (thank the lord)
And finally I have hot chocolate which is not warm at the moment (I'm drinking coffee) but it will be warm when I make it.
Thanks you mommy and ami for my package.. I can't wait to see you guys. sorry it won't be till Thanksgiving. :(
think warm fuzzy thoughts till then.

Tomorrow is a New Day

"Everyday is new, with no mistakes in it yet" -Anne
I like that quote, it's soothing to me, makes me feel better, like in a couple minuets all the crap that's going on will end.

I'll suddenly be able to take my private jet home for an evening to hug my mommy
I'll suddenly be able to write an expert essay on one or more novels from my class (I didn't 'get' any of them)
I'll suddnely be able to understand empty nest syndrome and will find a cure
I'll suddenly know what is going on with my big sister, whom I am feeling so disconnected from I feel like I should take my private jet there first.
I'll suddenly be seeing my roommate whom I haven't talked to in going on 3 days now
I'll suddenly have 4 more hours in my day to get done the things I didn't get done yesterday and last week

I have a feeling that in a couple minuets I will be in bed, and I will have forgotten the problems of today, and maybe just maybe when I wake up I can stay in a blissfully ignorant state for a little bit.
A little bit would be nice.

My Cell Phone Made Me Do It.

so you ever have times in your life when you are fully convinced that everyone you know is insane? That no one knows what's going on and that you should know because you figured out that someone should know what's going on? I'm there. Stuff at home is ... shall we say... not so good? I can't call my big sister to talk to her and ask her expert advice (plus she's going insane and chatting with coworkers about undergarments at lunch) I can't call my lil sis because she's at school and just as crazy as my older sister and I are. My brother is to young to sholder the burden which I carry (how formal does that sound). My father apparently cries everytime he hears my name (either from insanity or out of distress for my current state) I'm pretty sure it's both. My mother and I can't seem to have a conversation where one of us doesn't cry. Maybe it's this cell phone? I'm getting a new one soon... hopefully. Maybe that will help. That's it, let's blame the cell phone.

The Sun is Shining

I took a test today... it took me 2 hours... it was sopposed to take 4 hours... I got lost on my way there but my amazing directionally challenged self redirected me and I made it to the testing site with 20 min to spare... I took the test and didn't fall asleep even though I had to get up at like 6am this morning to take the test... There were people up and blowdrying thier hair even before I was in the shower... I am fairly sure that I passed the test...my phone is in a box ... currently I have more phones than miss brenda... I have 3 phones... :) ... I am smiling because I have had a wonderful day... The sun is shining.. my roomie is amazing... my mom is lovely and efficent... my sisters are beautiful (even though they never call me)...and did I mention that the sun is shining?

A Necessary Repetition

It's been a while... but life has been rough. (the understatement of the month). Yesterday I had a Stasi moment. to clarify, I have this sister, whom I love. She sometimes has moments where she stops functioning. Where life just gets too overwhelming. And all bodily functions shut down. I was sitting in a field talking to my mother the other day (I have the world's best mom by the way). So I'm in the field, just crying and having a breakdown and my mom is trying to calm me down and I realized that this is what it's like for Stasi when I am talking to her. It's all stuff she knows, all stuff I know. It's all stuff she's told herself, stuff I've told myself. But it's still stuff she needs to hear, I need to hear. Life is sometimes like that. A series of repetition that is necessary. So one more time: just for repetitions sake: I love you mom! thanks a million for being there for me! and thanks to Stasi, and Ami and Matt and Pastor Dave. You're all great!
**I'm doing better now**

just for you

Just to update you all, don't get to used to the idea of Mandi with a peirced nose, she had to take it out. Apparently she is allergic to Surgical steel and she broke out in hives yesterday pretty badly. She's on the upswing now but sad about the nose peircing. That's all the time I have. more later

Unproductive

Hey all, this is abi, feeling kind of unproductive. ok not just feeling but being.
I don't have classes on Tues. or Thur. most times I will work both jobs on these days, but today I am only working at JCCY (without sarah!! AHH) And that means that I have sooo much more time to get caught up on work so that later when pple want to hang out I will be able to. BUT I have not been doing work, I have been reading Harry Potter (I'm almost done) and talking to Mandi and dancing around the room and I still haven't showered and I still haven't gotten dressed. But I have to do that soon cause Mandi and I are going to have her nose peirced, YEAH! we have been planning it for a bit and now we are going to do it. fun. I'm not getting any extra holes in me though so don't worry mom.
today on the way to breakfast (yeah I've been doing nothing that long), we were wondering if you could gage your nose peircing? like a spare nostril, what do you think? and if it rained would you drown or would you have to get a gage with a plug? We thought it was interesting, maybe we'll ask when we go to get her nose peirced (we decided she shouldn't gage it though, because we are wise)
Alright well that's really it. Classes are going ok, too much reading for my likeing but I get to see family this weekend hopefully..... love you all!

Simply Life as Usual

I'm back at school... can't remeber if I said that already, prolly. So last night there was a hurricane here in Nyack. (or the outskirts of a hurricane, I'm not a uber-weatherwoman yet) I was in Queens and had to get back and as we were driving toward the tapan-zee we saw a tree blocking the road comming off the Tappan-Zee (I'm not sure if there are two "p's" or not) So Jimmy was stuck in Nyack for a couple hours till they cleared the tree... that wasn't a very exciting story if you didn't see the HUGE tree blocking all the lanes of traffic. (you'll get over it I bet) So life here is good. (other than the hurricane) How is life for you?

update

So today I started classes: no classes this semester on any days starting with a "T"! so tomorrow I'm off to do stuff I need to get done for my two independent studies.
*small happy dance*
Just got out of my first class as a Sr. the prof is ok, not the most interesting and only because he makes a LOT of connections. which usually I would find interesting however he connects everything too much until you can't see the connections anymore just a web of messy connections. I think though that once he's only talking about one book instead of 8 it will improve and bost being an interesting class. I also enjoyed his tirade on being on time for class after he himself was 10 min. late to class... I love Nyack!
The next class is Children's Literature, Wed. are literature days with Modern Novel and Children's literature. It should be fun and interesting!
I have yet to look at books, to price them or order them or anything, but I figure most of them I can get from the local libraries, which is good cause I'm 'a poor college student'.
On that 'poor' note, I do have two jobs this semester, one at good old picture people, although I am not a manager this year and will not be working as many hours as in past years. I will again be working at the after school program, JCCY (Jewish Community Center for Youth) I just learned what it stands for! yeah me!
that's the update on me... what's going on with you?

Bedlum

An amendum for those of you who also read Miss Brenda's blog on Bedlum.
while doing some further research on the word and it's origin and meaning. I found that bedlum is also a term or name used to describe a cross dressing DJ. Since my name was associated with the post saying that bedlum is a wondering hoodlum, I wanted those of you who are in search of truth to have a resource where you can find the answers.

My Favorite Havener

So yesterday Alex and I went minigolfing (there should be hyphen there huh?) It was a ton of fun. Last summer we spent so much time together but this summer I have missed not seeing him as much, what with me being at work and him being with the sitter. I realized how hard it's going to be to leave home to go back to school. (not that the thought could disuade me from going) I'll miss him... no offence to the other wonderful Haveners but I believe Alex has won the spot of "My Favorite Havener" of the week...

Showers of Blessings indeed

So the summer is nearing its end. It's been full of suprises both expected and unexpected, good and bad. But there's nothing really to complain about. Jimmy was here this past weekend. He went to the family reunion. It wasn't the most sucessful showing I'm sure, but we left with out being run out or cursed at. (I guess the family has more class than that) Really it wasn't bad. I liked being able to see him! A lot. We had some great talks and some time together before I go back to school and we only have limited time to see eachother.
Lately God has been doing some awesome things in the way of showing me great things that I should have known for a long time but have conveniently forgotten... Like that he loves me and that I need to recognize that in my everyday life. That He wants to be a big part of my everyday life, not just Sunday mornings and select days throughout the week when I feel spiritual. It's been encouraging. Thank the Lord for parents, writer, pastors and church family who in their own ways reflect the love that the Lord desires to shower upon me!

All Creatures of Our God and King

This morning as you can see, I awoke at an earlier time than usual. I made some coffee and then sat outside for a bit (just a couple min but still). The mornings are beautiful, unmarked, they remind me that every day is new with no mistakes in it yet. If you are anything like me, your day is full of mistakes by the end. But in the morning you don't have to think about that. You can just focus on the wonderful creation of God. (and the frew brewed coffee isn't bad either)

Ho Humm

Life's been pretty ho-humm lately. Just chillin with the Fam. Alex and I spent some quality time together after P.D. had surgery on his neck/back on Fri. That was good cause I miss that little guy. Last summer I spent SOO much time with him... like every waking moment. but this summer miss brenda saw fit to hire a sitter 3 or so days a week, cutting into my time with the little guy! We are going to go minigolfing soon, prolly next week. We'll see. Other than that I realized today that this summer I've been kinda a recluse. Not that I don't have the opportunity to hang out with my friends (what few are in the area this summer) Just that lately I haven't been in the mood to be with anyone, friend or foe. It's strange... I'm missing them though.. I need to make an effort to see them all b-4 they go back. HO-HUMM

Presb.

So this summer I am working at a presb USA church. They really aren't I guess if you think about it hard. Presb. I mean. really they spend more time offending others in their presbetary and making fun of them that they really aren't part of it... at least not in spirit. Which makes me think about why they are in it at all.. but that's not for me to debate.
Tonight they had the Beaver/Butler Presb. mtg here. It was quite an ordeal, and the air conditioning broke and it was sooo disgusting in the worship center.. gross, I got sick just from walking in the room... But that's all over now.
They have a book of order which is a book of rules and proceedures... that was strange, you learn something new everyday!
I liked it though it bought me an extra day off this week... or half day depending on when I take it. :)

Vacation

Vacation, vacation, lovely vacation... I did a tour of the East coast. Starting with Nyack and ending who knows where. I got to Nyack, had coffee and a thunderstorm with Jimmy and then went to bed. Had lunch the next morning with Jenny (who's working up there this summer) and then left for Delta! (with directions that sounded like: get on the thruway, go for two hours then get off, find 26, there are roads in between there but we don't really know them, then you'll pass dollar general and eckard and then the Salvation Army camp on the right we are about 2 min past that...) (Thanks to Anders and Mandi who's directions actually did get me there)
OMG if I could live up there I would. I got there and attended the Haven Talent Show... which this year features many talents including but not limited to; juggling, karate, many dance solos, cowboy and indians (in which a camper 'shot' counselors with his finger and they all fell down), a dramatization of Bible stories (one in which Daniel saved Joseph from the lions den) and my favorite Joyce who 'acted like a tree'! (one arm up and the other out to the side, it was delightful)
I spent two nights there with Mandi... in the most adorable little cabin imaginable. it had these shutters... wow, I want shutters like those in my dream home, they were soooo neat.
Haven was an experiance that I'll not forget for many moons to come, from being told to 'be good' to the many high fives and ending with the whistles from Esteban's campers... I had soo much fun...
Plus the best part of all I got to see my Mandi.

Oh to be on vacation forever!

Mandi made me fall in love with this song: plus it's called "Bannana Pancakes"... could you not love it? I don't think so:

You hardly even notice When i try to show you
thisSong is meant to keep you From doin what your supposed to
Wakin up too early Maybe we could sleep in
Makin banana pancakes
Pretend like its the weekend now
We could pretend that all the time
Cant you see that its just rainin
There aint no need to go outside
Lady lady love me
Cuz i love to lay here lazy
We could close the curtains
Pretend like theres no work outside
We could pretend that all the time
Cant you see that its just rainin
There aint no need to go outside

Blessings and Adventures

Hey all, since I have had requests for an update.. let's see, what is there to say?
Boys: I was hanging out with Jeremy this summer however we had it out and we are no longer talking, (other than one random text the other day). I am talking to Jimmy again (just friends, save the speaches). I am still talking to Dustin (again just friends). So I have a lot of friends, who people would like to make out to be more but they aren't. So if you have any guys that you'd like to throw my way... (my Gram is on the look-out, it makes me feel a bit of a loser) :(
School: I am nearing the end and can see the light (I'm running toward it full speed!) Just one more semester of classes and then student teaching.. and I'm done! thanks goodness since I'm fed up with the school at the moment. (Isn't it a federal offence to hold someones mail for 3 months and then say you sent it?) If you could make my mail (including two paychecks) appear that would be fabulous! O and I finally have a room to sleep in (another miracle worked by Nyack after 4 phone calls to 3 different people) Oye
Family: Alex went to sleep away camp this summer (I missed him like crazy!) Ami is working a TON and is getting along fine with me. Thank goodness she goes away soon, cause maybe we'll make it the whole summer. Dad's having surgery and Mom is losing weight like a mad woman. We went to the drive in last night and we say half of Pirates II. Yes I said half, we wittnessed the transformer at the drive-in blow up.. it was pretty neat, except I don't know how the movie ends... :(
Friends: well I don't hear much from them lately (boo hiss) but I think they are all doing fine. I'm headed to Nyack this coming week. and then up to Rome to see Mandi! YEAH DELTA! (I'm gonna meet everyone, even Judy)
Work: I'm not really working (I won't brag so you won't hate me) My job is GREAT!

so there you have it folks, when you put it all on paper, it looks so miniscule... really my life is full of blessings and adventures...

One liners

So Rob is here (ami's 'boyfriend') well I guess he is her boyfriend (sin quotation marks) He's fun. She decided to keep him around.
We flew kites yesterday.. tons of fun! a seagull and a falcon.. what an unlikely pair.
I am not prepared for teaching preschool today.
I come to NY in about a week! YEAH!



"I gave her my heart and she gave me a pen"

Triumphant!

Kidzcamp has come to a triumphant close (that's my new 'magic' word for the day) (Mrs O would be sooo proud)! It was fabulous... all the kids and the great and the leaders were wonderful and the experiance, as always was one of a kind. This made it all worth the 16 hr/day work week, the 'too-many-to-count' trips to Starbucks, the gruelling headaches, uncooperative projectors, 'too-many-to-count' jobs to be done (all at once), and the rain that threatened to banish me inside all week (I was leading games). Kids came to know Christ in a deeper way and the leaders (including myself) were reinforced with the simple truths that Jesus is our Helper, Leader, Friend, Savior and Life. Sometimes we make Jesus too complicated in 'Big people church' that we forget that really he's just our friend and Savior. Well Dixi is calling my name so I best go.... Love ya all (today is a GREAT DAY!!) the first in a long time.

Dance on!

This morning at 4am I woke up fully clothed and I was surrounded by sponges cut into the shape of fish... this was not a dream... My life is weird but "I like to move it, move it"!! dance on my friends

A Tribute To Matt

I would like to send big hugs to Matt who is the only person who actually reads this thing! I am so lucky to have you as a friend. Your qwarks keep me guessing what's next but you are solid as a rock and dependable as a friend... so thanks for being there for me all this time! and thanks for reading my mundane thoughts.

How Many Sombreros can you Fit in a Box?

I love my job! I have the same job this summer that I raved about last summer... I still love it. I get to solve puzzles like "How many Sombreros can you fit in a box?" and "What color are Chipmunks lips?" as well as "How do you think the elders will feel about a hole in the ceiling?" and "How does a credit card get $20 over the limit? (who knew that could happen?)" If you think you have solved any of these puzzles let me know... I do in fact have the answer to how many sombreros you can fit into a box as well as how much it will cost you to send said box to Navada!

Father's Day

To all the fathers out there... Happy Father's day! My own father couldn't make it to his own celebration which was fine with Ami and I because we didn't have a celebration planned anyway. We just got back from buying his card... unfortunatly if you buy your father's day card at 6pm ON Father's day there is no discount... maybe on the day after, we have yet to check that one out. The card is cute but we found also that Walmart doesn't carry any truely sentimental cards (the ones that make 'grown men' cry). maybe that's just cause they were all bought up??
So we are making a cake for my dad (he wanted an ipod but we figured cake was just as good) and the box (of course it's a box) calls for unsalted butter... check you fridge.. you don't have any. So ami just got home and I must go and make this cake..... again Happy Father's day.

Grand Day

In true workaholic style I have not updated in FOREVER... and I'm updating from work. But I am having fun too. on Wed. I went down to connellsville and hung out with Jeremy Keefer (2 F's?? oh well) Not to be confused with Johnathan Keefer who I hung out with a couple weeks ago. I know I know, how DO I keep them all straight? I'm not sure. But really I am haveing a blast I spent last night chillin wiht Anne's boys. They are a riot.. yeah for huge penis' on the driveway when the mother comes home!! :) don't ask. Life is interesting but good. Thanks for all the prayers (if you have ever prayed for me)!! have a Grand day

workaholic

I am a workaholic.... I am admitting it... noone will see this so it doesn't matter... have a great day... i'm off to work... (really)

What a Game!

So we went to the Pirate game yesterday, and today I guess you could say. I know that the longest game in Pirate history was long ago but the one last night sure felt like it was the longest ever. Starting at 7pm and ending at about 1am, 18 innings were played. That's a LOT of baseball. Alex was complaining in the 2 inning that the game was too long. (he fell sound asleep about the top of the tenth, and only woke up when Bautista hit a hommer to tie it up at 7-7) What a game, and I'm not even a huge baseball fan. I followed the Mets when I was dating Jimmy and I kinda know when the Astros play because of Dustin but really, I'm not a baseball girl, I can get into it. Jen and I sang 'take me out to the ballgame' just as loud as the guy across the isle during the 14th inning streach. What a game!

Ha Ha That Never Happens

So last night I went out with Matt Harrington and Jonathan Keefer... he he he.. what a mix huh? well it went well, after the initial shock of Matt in a kilt, Jonathan handled himself well. We went bowling and.. I won! Ha Ha.. that never happens.. then I got treated to icecream for winning.. Ha Ha.. that never happens either.. then I went to sleep at a decent hour, I think... I kinda don't remember... Which does happen often. So over all last night was a sucess.. so today I work for the Bossies... I'm glad I remembered.. cause I almost forgot!!

quicky

So I'm home... I think I said that already. I'll give you the quick update, it's Dad's day off work, and his 'music' has invaded all the corners of the house making it VERY hard to think about anything... so I will give you the recap of the last little bit.
I started on Mon at Fountain Park, It's tons of fun there all the time, Nadine (my 'boss') is lots of fun, she's new too so we are working through things together. No staff mtg this week YEAH!!
I am also babysitting for a family in the community, that starts Fri. Should be interesting... more on that later (when there is more)
I am home!! I love spending time with my sisters and brother and dog and mother and father...
I'm going out tonight with a devout Christian and Matt Harrington my budhist! this will be fun, hopefully we can bond over bowling and some appitizers at Applebees... we'll see..

My Update

apparently I don't update enough so... here goes

I have recently been contacted by Jimmy, and guess what? he doesn't hate me.. that was GREAT news and I am overjoyed to even have had that one conversation with him. (it may have been our last, but such is life right?)
I am home now and I really have done nothing, my official job doesn't start till the 22nd which gives me time to pack up my sister Stasi, 'I thought she already left' you may say and I would reply 'why yes, she has, but all of her stuff has stayed and thrown a HUGE party, made apparent by the disarray it is in.'
All of my stuff needs unpacked as it baked for another day in the driveway, still packed in my car, which is undrivable because of all the stuff packed into it. My life seems to be a mess, but really I'm happy with the mess that it is..
This is exactly how I hoped to spend my summer... NOT! (remember that?)

So really I'm just hopeing to have fun this summer and I need to make some people aware that I am home and then the fun shall comence..
Also pray for Alex, there's this thing going on and I'm not at liberty to say, but please pray, he's ok... for now.

So there it is.. my update

MANDI

My Mandi is home!!! I've been on the phone with her for an hour and a half-an-hour... It's so good to hear her voice... I've missed her so much.. but now she's home!! YEAH!!

I hate finals!

A Feminist? HUH?

I just got an email asking me if I wanted to buy a book titled: "Evangelical Feminism: A New Path to Liberalism?"
If this is what I am interested in now I am suprised... This is a whole new take on myself... I'm cool with that.

So I just finished my Romans final... WOW, you know how people always say 'my head hurts' Well I've always thought that was an expression, ITS NOT! who knew? my head is hurting literally from that final... ouch.
Two more today.. wish me luck.. buen suerte!

Sinful

I know this can be hard but right now you must be your strongest and remember that the remainder is taken care of. When he died on the cross of calvary your weakness was atoned for. When you are weak, he is your strength, even when you are strong, he is stronger still. So rely on Him now! Turn you eyes to the hills where you help comes from, run to the Father whoes outstreached arms will hold you safely. Run to the protector who would and has died to save you. Until you can do this, you are only half living. you are living a finite life with a soul that was ment for infinity. you are a princess of the king, not just any king but the king of kings. So why tamper with the sins of those who have fallen? Do you think you, in your finite strength can resist the Prince of Darkness, you are not the same. You will fail on your own accord so turn to the only one who can sustain you, who can protect you, who can love you with a love that saved the world, who can see deep into your heart and judge you there and not on your outward appearance. Turn to the words he's sent you, to the people who are his, to him directly. He will be there, maybe silently at first but wait, he will comfort and heal for his is the greatest healer and comforter you will ever encounter in all you few years. He is waiting. What wil you choose, will you allow him to be enough or will you live in the lies of the Prince of Darkness? It's your choice, he gave it to you.

Amazing At Something

So I went to my mailbox today (where all good news comes from) and I found this pink slip that was obviously campus mail and I was about to throw it away when I realized that it was personalized and that it was about awards chapel. Now this semester I do not have to go to chapel, I am work exempt so I have only been to one chapel this semester and that was the one that Rachel spoke at cause I promised that I would go.
ANYWAY
I am being recognized for ... something... who knows what.. like I said I don't go to chapel and my grades this semester are sure as heck not up to any academic awards. I am receiving an award at the Education banquet but it wouldn't be the same award that I would receive in chapel because we do all of our awards in house in the Education department. So I'm being recognized for more than one great annonomous thing that I have done this semester...But I don't know what it could possibly be for either of them. ... I'll let you know when I find out what they are so I can tell you! but know that I am amazing at something!!

Easter

I was home and now I'm back home. It's strange having two homes. Both with people you love living there, and churches that you want to attend for Easter. Over all Easter was GREAT! I participated in 4 services and I got to do the sunrise service with my dad (although he forgot to mention that it was going to outside in the 40 degree weather. That's what blankets are for I guess) I love Easter at my house b/c although we do all the Easter bunny and Egg hunt stuff, we also focus on the good stuff like the resurrection and celebrating Christ's victory! That's what really takes the foreground in my house and I really appriciate that my parents strive to remind us of that each year. (not that I don't like the basket hunts) So yeah.....
now I'm back at school and really feeling pretty laid back for the amout of stuff I have to get done for this comming week. 2 research papers and 2 case studies and mountains of other stuff. but in 3 weeks I will be done.. and I'll be on my way to being a Sr! it's kinda scary ya know, cause I don't know what is in my future. All I know is that Jesus is there and I'm trusting him to work wonders in my life each day!

blessings

God does answer to prayers....

I don't care who is reading this

So this past week has been difficult and this may seem like a blast from the past to some of you who have been reading for a while and to those of you who stumble upon this well... this will all be new and exciting news!
So the reason this week has been difficult is because of my ex boyfriend. last week I couldn't go a day (literally) without someone asking me "How's Jimmy doing?" or "What's Jimmy up to?" or my favorite "So where's Jimmy I haven't seen him in a long time?" Well my reply to the last one is I haven't seen him in a long time either.
**History Lesson**
so Jimmy and I began dating this time last year. All was good and I really liked him, even though he was different than the other guys I usually dated, it was a great different! So all was going swimminly, he came to Pittsburgh and we did the city thing and then I came back to NY and we did a met game, which was really fun. But then I came back to school and he was commuting. We both had crazy schedules and didn't see each other much, which caused tention. So then because of the tention I began to see other problems in the relationship. Such as me being the sole support for him and my being really needy because he was so nurturing. We relyed too heavily on eachother and it was a destructive relationship, being destroyed slowly. I didn't want to break up with him. But it wasn't fair to either of us to stay in the realtionship. Because we didn't have less feeling for eachother after the break-up, it was difficult and he left school and I kinda closed myself off. we haven't talked since that horrible day (ok that's a bit dramatic but true in fact)
**back to the future**
So I couldn't get away from people who wanted to know about Jimmy this past week, which brought up a lot of the stuff that I never dealt with. I kinda just burried all my feelings when we broke up and now they are resurfacing and demanding to be dealt with. So on Tues. Heather tells me that she saw Jimmy in the Cafe. "When, Why, For What?" all raced through my mind. I know the when and probably the for what.. but the why? well that will probably always be a mystery. Because I emailed him to appoligize for some of the crap that I put him through and he hasn't emailed me back... and really it's sick because I check my email now twice a day and like a pathetic little girl I hope to see an email from him saying that he forgives me. But none are there, and I really deep down know that none will ever be there. It just makes it hard. Really hard.
So this difficult week is of my own making, but I'm having Ben-N-Jerry night with Ami tomorrow so hopefully that will make things all better.. (don't I wish)

Alone

So I never understood what that guy ment when he said he 'was lonely even in a room full of people'. But this month, this semester I do. Mandi isn't here but really, there must be more. That can't be the sole reason I feel so meloncaully. There are days when I sit in my room alone, and feeling sad for myself b/c I have noone to hang out with then, someone will call and invite me out and what does sad little me do?... I politely decline and make up an excuse why I can't go. Then I continue to feel sad for my lonely self. How pathetic is that. I rationalize in my head that they dont want to really hang out with me and that I wouldn't have fun or that they wouldn't have fun if I went. Really I know those are all lies. I have wonderful friends who love me and I always have fun with them, even when you would think fun is impossiable.
But what can cause this? this ... I don't wanna call it depression but... this meloncaully feeling? The feeling that none of your friends want to be bothered with you, or the feeling that you are fat and ugly and the feeling that you will be single and strange for the rest of your human life and that you might just might be reencarnated as a toad. This makes me sadder to be writing about my pathetic life. So please don't comment just read and join me in my feeling of being alone even in the sea of friendly faces that surround me.

random

My life has exploded.. if you could see my bedroom you would understand. it's nice not having a roommate to share all this space with but I love my Mandi and wish she was here to kick my butt into gear (she was always good at that). But she's in Fiji and haveing a grand time, swimming like a fish and fishing with a spear, really all I hear about are fish so... anyway yesterday I was having a crappy busy day and I went to my mailbox and I had a pink slip! (which means there is a package for you!) so I went and picked it up and it was my b-day gift from Mandi! that sly fox had her sister send me a package for my birthday! That's why I love her. God is so GOOD!
Plus my Daddy is comming to see me this next week (well not me specifically but still...)
Maybe this week isn't as crazy as I thought it was .. but .. its almost over.. how time flies

Celebrate

So I'm 21 now.. wooooppy-do! (that's real excitement not sarcastic excitement) I didn't do anything exciting this year.. or the year before, or any of my birthday's that I can remember, well there was maybe one. My family sees birthdays as something that is expected, why celebrate? you survived another year. we expected you to do that. I guess it's not until you don't survive another year that you wish you had celebrated all those years before. My family feels the same way about high school graduation and college graduations, I'm not sure yet but I don't think weddings are out of the ordinary either. And for me it double sucks cause I have amazing sisters who are both genuises, and so if anyone gets a celebration it's them and I stand no chance.
I'm really not just depressed or having a bad day it's just the facts of life. For my 21st birthday I had to hound my father to come out to dinner with my sister and I, I received no cards and only one gift (a bunny-bop-n-toss) from Micah, my sister's boyfriend.
I'm also not telling you this so you feel bad for me, like I said this is just the facts of life. I enjoy my family because I know that they have high expectations for me, they push me, in a healthy way. But just sometimes I wish SOMETHING was good enough for a celebration. we are a family full of joy, each of us on our own and when we are together, I guess we celebrate every moment so when one moment has a great life event, our celebration just goes on.
For once I want to feel celebrated.

A Strange Grange

So this week I'm home from school for Spring Break and we are just hanging out (Stasi and Ami and I) becasue Stasi is leaving for Slovakia in the next two weeks. So I came home Fri night and Sat I got up early to sing on the WT and then we went shopping for an outfit for me to wear on my outing that night... we were going square danceing!!! it was sooo much fun! (we didn't dress funny in the end).. it was kinda a blind outing for me because I didn't have a guy to take so I was going with Judah's friend Gerry... That was fun, he was kinda akward (well not him) The situation (well not that either) OK so lets just say it was a little off (I'm not sure how to express how I feel in words sometimes) So we went square dancing..
First we got lost.. so I know a LOT about Gerry cause all we could do was talk, we talked about Broasting (Do you even know what that is?) and I now know what a grange is! So we got there and the square dance, first of all you do dance in a square.. it's crazy, who knew (I never did this in HS gym) Alright so also I learned how to *alaman left* which I can't explain but I can show you if you ask... and well now I can say that I can square dance... (do you think you can put that on your resume?)

Dear God

Dear God- I can't escape work for a moment.. now they are sending me emails!!! AHHHH

Life Sucks

Life seems to suck lately... everyone I know has had a crappy week, well they wouldn't say that.. all my friends are terriably upbeat about life but; some of them are expelled, some are suspended, some are severing relationships they have had and treasured for a long time, some are saying a hard goodbye, and still others are just overwhelmed with life in general. I am having a fine week, and I feel bad. I wish I knew how to be there for each one..
**Ami needs Mango snapple if anyone is in PA**
**Lauren could use a hug if you're in the neighborhood**
**Stasi could use a personal assistant if anyone is looking for something to do**
**I could use a term paper or two**
**Everyone could use a couple more hours in their day**
It's hard for me to see friends in need and not be able to help. I can buy presents, I can give hugs, I can be the sholder to cry on, I can even be the one to tuck them in at night after a long day but all of that just seems so empty, like I'm only scratching the surface of the problem.. I wish I could just get rid of it, but I can't. Life sucks that way.

The most interesting thing

So I thought to myself, 'I should update this so if on the off chance that someone will come accross my little parcel of cyber space they will have something to read, and won't think that this is an abandoned site.' But then the delema came to me that nothing interesting has happened in the past month or so for me to write about.. I could write about Justin and how he's on strike three with Nyack and still swinging strong, or how Rachel needs prayer cause everyone is dying in her family in the past month. I could even write about my sister who is mad at me for telling her to marry the man of her dreams, or how I am ready to punch my boss in the face and walk out of the job. But none of that really strikes me as interesting... but then I did some reading for my Multicultural Classroom class and BAM there it was.. the topic for this blog...
**side note**
that's how sad my life is, the most interesting thing I have to write about came from a reading for one of my classes.. how pathetic am I
**back to the most interesting thing ever**
We are talking about being white.. something that I can identify with. They are talking about how whites have privilages that they don't even think about and as I read this list I realized that this is so true.. I take all of these things for granted.. so read them and if you are white.. which do you think is the most interesting one to think about. .and if you are not white.. just read them..some apply to you.. some don't but really I think everyone can learn from this list....:
1. I can if I wish arrange to be in the company of people of my race most of the time.
2. If I should need to move, I can be pretty sure of renting or purchassing houseing in an area which I can afford and in which I would want to live.
3. I can be pretty sure that my neighborhood on such a location will be neutral or pleasant to me
4. I can go shopping alone most of the time, pretty well assured that I will not be followed or harassed
5. I can turn on the television or open to the front page of the paper and see people of my race widely represented
6. When I am told about our national heritage or about 'civilizaton' I am shown that pople of my color made it what it is
7. I can be sure the my children will be given curricular materials tha testify to the existance of thier race.
8. If I want to, I can be pretty sure of finding a publisher for this peice on white privilage.
9. I can go inot a music shop and count on finding the music of my race represented, into a supermarket and find the staple foods which fit with my cultural traditions, into the hairdresser's shop and find someone who can cut my hair.
10. Whether I use cheeks, credit cards, or cash, I can count on my skin color not to work against the appearance of financial reliability
11. I can arrange to protect my children most of the time from people who might not like them
12. I can swear or dress in second hand clothing or not answer letters without having people attribute these choices t the bad morals, the poverty, or the illiteracy of my race.
13. I can speak in public to a powerful male group without putting my race on trial
14. I can do well in a challenging situation without being called a credit to my race.
15. I am never asked to speak for all the people of my racial group
16. I can remain oblivious of the language and customs of persons of color who constitute the world's majority without feeling in my culture any penalty for such oblivion
17. I can criticize our government and talk about how much I fear its policies and behavior without being seen as a cultural outsider.
18. I can be pretty sure the if I ask to talk to 'the person in charge' I will be facing a person of my race.
19. If a traffic cop pulls me over or if the IRS audits my tax return, I can be sure I haven't been singled out because of my race.
20. I can easily buy posters, postcars, picture books, greeting cards, dolls, toys and children's magazines featureig people of my own race.
21. I can go home form most meetings of organizations I belong to feeling somewhat tied in, rather than isolated, out-of-place, out numbered, unheard, held at a distance or feared
22. I can take a job with an affirmative action employer without having coworkers on the job suspect that I got it because of my race.
23. I can choose public accomidation witout fearing that people of my race can not get in or will be mistreated in the places I have chossen.
24. I can be sure that if I need legal or medical help my race will not work against me
25. If my day, week, or year have gone badly I need not ask of each episode or situation whether it has racial overtones.
26. I can choose blemish-cover or bandages in 'fleshl color and have them more or less match my skin.


List taken from:
McIntosh, P. (n.d.). White privilege: unpacking the incisible knapsack. Fondations for living, 128-132.

My 'Best Friend'

So have you ever had that one friend who is always going to be your friend, no matter where you are or what you do? Well Meg is that to me and I was thinking of her today and decieded to write a bit of a tribute to her.. I guess you could call it that. I just wanted to encourage you all to tell your 'best friend' just what makes them your 'best friend'. when you were young you prolly had about 5 'best friends' then college hit and your had maybe 3 'best friends', now where do you find yourself, with more or less 2 or not even? Hold on to those who you have. call them, appriciate them, spend time growing closer to them (if that's possiable). But most of all just be that friend to someone else. The world will be a better place.
**
I must stop before I am compelled to enter the Miss America pagent and wish for 'world peace' in front of the entire nation.
**
suffice to say, thanks Meg for all the prayers and tears and crap that you've put up with, I wouldn't be where I am today if it weren't for you!

School is Taking Over My Brain

School is taking over my brain.. today I was sitting in church and I was listening and all of the sudden I was thinking.. "ya know, faith is very context reduced" whoa, now I'm using educational jargon in my everyday life, this is crazy.. I guess that is a good thing, not like dreaming of work... (which means you should quit the job by the way) So for those of you who aren't TESOL majors or in the education field or just know these random things, context reduced means that you dont have anything tangable or visiable to tie your actions to or to help you to understand something.. for example, talking on the telephone is a context reduced activity, you can not see the person on the other end of the phone to interpret thier facial expressions or body language. School is taking over my brain.. now I must go prep a lesson for my methods, my work is never done.

I'm Sorry... sort of

I am sorry to those of you who were offended by my last post about the 'holding year' after college. I did not mean to offend anyone... I can only say that I am sorry ... sort of because I did mean what I wrote.. not that those people who take a year off after college are failures or somehow stupid or unworthy of life but I ment that it wasn't for me, that I didn't want to have to wait to get into life.. so to those of you who misunderstood what I wrote, I'm sorry.. sort of.

Tid-bits

The Missing Bottle
Mandi Bottle missed dearly by her friends, is in Fiji this semester. Communication to her grass hut is limited to written letters dropped by air mail. If you would like to write to Mandi, please give your letters to me at any time. A mailing goes out every Monday. Please do not send lumpy things or packages as they will not get to her. If you would like to send some contraban you may send one stick of gum in your letter because that will not be detected.

Mid-College Crisis
I'm halfway through, three semesters left and really only two cause of student teaching. I have no clue what I want to do with my life, I am at a crisis moment and struggling to find my place in this crazy world, well not my place right now, but the place that I will occupy once I'm out of here. I look at some of my friends and family that have gone through the college thing and I don't want to end up like some of them did. Just living in a holding pattern for a year after college. I want to get out and start doing what I'm going to do for the rest of my life... or the rest of that period in my life. I know that I should be trusting God to provide for my future but, that's really hard. toss up a prayer for me if you would and let Him know that I'm waiting on his answer and if He could please hurry it up, I'd appriciate that.

Homesick
I am more homesick now than I have ever been. I remember thinking Freshman year about how I really just wanted to get out. That I was done with the 'home' part of my life, and wanted to go and see that world and live on my own and make my own mistakes. But now that I've lived on my own, outside the 'home' and made plenty of mistakes, I miss home. While it's most of the time crazy busy with everyone going different directions at different times with different people, it's still home. I don't know what brought this all on, last week I talked to someone at home everyday! Will this pass? Have you ever heard of such a thing? Have you yourself ever felt this way? if so call 1800-Abigail for tickets to a free showing of this talk show. ... (don't ask)

I Love It!

You know those songs that affect you sooo much when they come on.. you know the ones that make you dance like an impossiable white child and sing at the top of your lungs. The one you can't sit still through and must turn the volume up the ENTIRE way till your neighbors knock on your door and yell... or dance with you.. I love songs like that! there should be more in this world, then everyone would be 'dancing' and singing and driving with the windows down, and less people would get shot.. I'm a firm believer that music is the answer.. at least for me. what it your song?

Beni-friends

I'm feeling better now.. thank you for all the prayers!
I was thinking tonight, after the girls left, about benifriends... how many girl and guys have them in this world? a TON I'm not one for that right now.. before yes but right now not so much. But I was just thinking about the concept and about what my friend said.. She said that when she and this guy were making out without an attachment, she missed her ex more and felt more empty after an encounter with her benifriend than she did before the time spent in total 'make-me-feel-good" bliss. So, what's the point? really?

I went to the nurse! and she speaks English!

So yesterday my mom almost talked me into going to the ER for my 'illness'; she did really well, I actually drove the entire way there and then chickened out and never went in... I figured my 'illness' wasn't an emergency and could wait until tomorrow to see the nurse. Our nurse here at Nyack isn't really a nurse, just a nurses assistant. and she doesn't really have the best English. So I went anyway.. when I got to the office door I was met with the sight of what appeared to me to be a fort... a whole bunch of boxes stacked up on top of oneanother to form a wall around the door. So I got through the little opening and realized why the 'fort' was built. The nurses office is flooded! and since they weren't open yesterday for MLK day the room smelled of mildew! gross... now i can add nauseous to my symptom list. So we 'talked' I understood about 48% of what she said.. (which is good). So she was going to refer me to a clinic so I could see a doctor. So she takes my blood pressure, which is low as always, health professionals never believe you about that sort of thing, it's like if you went to the mechanic and they asked you if your car is red and then had to go and look to make sure you know what red is.... (bad example I know but I'm on these great meds that make it ALL ok!) So then she took my temp. which I thought would be fine, but I guess I was working from comparison and i did have a fever, mild but there, of 100 degrees. So I went to the clinic.. my first time, kinda made me feel, I don't know how it made me feel, just strange.... and the nice doctor just gave me my perscription in samples from these kitchen cabnets they had in the back... don't worry I checked them out and they are what they say they are and they do what they say they do. So now I'm on the mend finally I hope... I should be better in a week or so... well off to try to eat something for the day.. I'm so sick of soup!

Is it cold in here?

So here's a quick update on my life so if fancy pants or my dad are reading they can be updated on what it going on...
**PS**
Fancy pants.. sorry I called you a girl, I guess I was mistaken...it was nice to meet you
**back**
So I am at school now.. working my tail end off.. I left at 4am to drive back here on Mon, that was nice, no traffic and I didn't feel like I had been traveling all day.. it took me about 61/2 hours to get here (it usually takes 7 or 8). Classes started yesterday, I am the only student in one of my classes, that's strange. and I found out that I'm going to be the only student in one of my other classes as well. Sooo.. I'm just getting TONS of one on one time with my profs. (yeah and all amounts of joy)
I am working at the Picture People still, about 28-30 hrs a week this semester. I also am working at this after school program JCCY (don't ask me what it stands for, one of the J's stands for Jewish I know that but that's where my knowledge stops) I love both jobs and suprisingly they don't take up all my time this semester... I have a GREAT schedule! I am also teaching again in Tappan my students are sooo sweet.. we moved class to Thurs. nights though so now I'm busy from 6:30-about 9pm on Thurs.
I am not dating anyone right now, I have a couple friends that give me my guy fix when I need some testasterone (totally spelled wrong). It's nice to have them around.
UMMMM... dad I think there was something else, another topic I was sopposed to update you on.. but I can't remember.. I'm on these great drugs for this sickness I have (please pray)

Things I Already Know

So I am updateing for the sake of killing some time. I have given up on the thought that anyone actually reads this.
Christmas..
for Christmas I got my digital camara, as soon as I figure how to get the pictures off the card and onto the computer and then onto the internet you will be able to see illustrations for this lovely blog!
The Day After...
For the day after Christmas we went to my gram Havener's to celebrate Christmas with that side of the family. In true Havener style we ate at Ponderosa. We are a party of 27 and we fit in the tinyest room ever we had to bring in chairs and roll our own silverware, it was an experiance. Then we went back to my Aunt Cindy's for presents and deserts. (I don't know why we don't just have deserts, then the whole thing would take less time) The presents are also kinda a practice in futility, No one gets anything they like, next year we should just exchange 5 dollars and have it over with. Really it was fun though, they are getting more normal as time goes on, there were only a few mishaps.
The Week After...
My Gram and Pap celebrated 50 years of blissful marriage on the 30th. We threw them a suprise party at the Cottage. We didn't know if we would be able to get them there because we couldn't tell them and they weren't making things easy. We told soo many lies, that my aunt from CA wasn't coming and then that my Aunt Danielle's family was haveing a party at the Cottage and they had to come (they declined that invite) and then that my aunt from CA was in and would she please get her butt to dinner with their family.. So they got there.
The Next Day..
At the suprise party we suprised my gram and pap by telling them that we were all coming to thier house the next day for my Lane family christmas. The lane family christmas is pretty good. The food is good. We get closepin cookies, and bean caserole, plus the people can be more normal (at times.) This year my Uncle Ronnie made swords for all the little kids, that was a stroke of genius. He also brought Fancy Pants (who is black and also who he believes to be a boy) (the black is right, the boy is not).

My sisters and I decided that we should at least get something out of this whole thing, we do both families each year. So we are going to publish the oddity of our families. It will be a reverse book, (one that you flip over and read something totally diff, kinda like the direction books that come in English and Chineese) The Havener document will be titiled, "WE'RE DRIVING REALLY SLOW" which comes from my father saying that to us when we got lost. (driving slow would not help, we were going in the opposite direction and were in the SalVal parking lot). The Lane Family's title is "WOULD ANYONE LIKE WATERMELLON:so would I" Which is my Pap's favorite thing to say when there is no watermellon but he offers anyway and puts you in the mood for it.

I really need to post more often so my posts aren't this long... oh well, like I said no one reads this.