Too Unreal

This is too unreal, I'm sitting in my room right now.. trying to write a paper but right now there are 7 other girls in my room, Erica and Amanda are sharing my bed, Kate just moved to my desk chair, Katie is on the floor behind my chair, sleeping on some coats all laid out on the floor, Mie Me is at the foot of Mandi's bed and Mandi is in her bed. and some girl who I don't even know is sleeping next to my chair on the floor. Why you may ask, that is a very good question, it was about 2:00 am when Mandi's phone started to ring and then mine went off. There was a carbonmonoxide leak in the other girls dorm and so they all had to evacuate and some of them ended up here in my room! it's like a freaky sleepover. they finally all went to sleep after much excitement. But life is good, Kate is wearing my beanie from work, that's exciting, this will be an interesting morning when we all get up... the bathroom will be nutz! but we'll handle that when we get there. For now I'm going back to trying to write this stupid paper. Maybe I'll give up, but my motivation is that I don't have a bed to sleep in. there's no room at this inn!

B&G

B&G is not at good as M&M's but we like them anyway. I have a funny story to tell you. Mandi and I skipped chapel on Fri. ('hethans' I know) so we were in our room around 10:25am, Mandi had just gotten back from the shower and I had just gotten back from trying to dig a grave for Juda, so I was dressed in all black.
*Side note*
apparently pple will think it's strange if we dig a hole next to A.B.'s grave so this funeral may have to be late at night so no one can tell that we are digging and so nobody will think that we are trying to dig up old A.B.
*Back to the funny story that isn't funny yet*
so I was dressed but Mandi was not when we hear the B&G guys come on the floor ('Man on the floor') Mandi freaks out and slams the door shut and is like 'OMG I'm naked what should we do!' I told her to simply lock the door and forget about it, they weren't going to be comming into our room. No sooner had I said that than there was a knock on our door ('B&G') Again this sends Mandi into a fit, so if they hadn't already established that someone in our room was naked they now had a pretty strong suspicion. Mandi replies in the most haried way, 'One min., Hold on!' Leaving no doubt in their minds that she is naked. They were there to fix our blinds. (They used my screwdriver! I think they were impressed at my selection of tools) they took our blind and said that they had to get one that fit and that they would be back. So they left and we got ready for Lunch and left them a clever little thank-you taped to the window. It said 'Thanks for helping us in a 'blind'' He He He :P We thought it was clever but I'm afraid they are Canadian and won't get it. Oh well. So when we got back the note was gone, but I can still look straight out my window, no blinds! B&G it is rude to accept thanks for things you don't do. Didn't your mom ever tell you this?

Mourning (again)

Juda is offically dead. He died on Feb. 17th around 5 pm. It was a sad event, we all thought he was kidding again however after he didn't move for about 4 hours except to float to the top (sorry for the mental pic) we determined that he had kicked the bucket. :( Life is rough. We were going to have the funeral on Fri the 18th, however we had to postpone it because apparently you can not dig a grave in the middle of winter with a spoon because the ground is too hard. Therefore we put Juda on ice and we are waiting warmer weather or better excavation tools, whichever comes first. If you would like to send condolences you can send them here in the form of a comment or you can email them to baz48@stargate.net . either is acceptable, it will be a closed casket funeral and I will let you know when it will be. Thankyou for your heartfelt pity on my plight, the surviving family is coping well and seeking to bring joy to some other aquatic animal in the near future.

I Shouldn't Write 'How to' Books

Sometimes the right things hurt, like when you disipline a child or when you have to say goodbye to someone and you don't really want to. 'Why does the right thing hurt so much?' is one of the questions I find myself asking God. Tonight just to give you some background. I was sopposed to go out with Dustin and we were going to originally watch 'The Notebook' Then with strong warning from my family (*stasi*) I told him I would rather not watch such a romantic movie with him because I didn't think that it would be the best signal to send him because we aren't dating. So he was kinda perplexed by that (I guess that's the right word for it) but he went along with it (like he does all of my random mood swings) and we changed the movie, then he was all about not doing it in the lobby of Boon, but instead doing it in one of the classrooms of Boon, so I decieded that was also not the best of signals, alone in a darkened room with him. So I nixed that idea too. So then tonight he calls and he's like 'karate is meeting in the lobby so we can either cancel or do it upstairs' To which I was very apprehensive, because although I wanted to hang out with him, I was now worried about the message that I was sending. So I decided to nix the whole thing, which brought on a ton of stuff that I'm about to explain in great detail to you all. See I got there (because he talked me into comming to talk about my 'problems') and he has flowers and rootbeer and cheese curls (I'm a sucker for rootbeer and cheese curls). And he obviously had this all planned out to be a wonderful evening. So he wanted to talk and I just realized that for as concrete as it was in my mind I couldn't at that moment put into words a coherent explaination of what I had been working over in my mind for the past month in bits and peices. So I told him that I didn't want to talk about it. Then as I was getting my stuff to leave, I accidently knocked the flowers over onto the floor (bad move). Basically anything that could go wrong on my Valentines Day did.
*Side Note*
Did I mention that instead of being warm like it has been, it snowed and was rainny, Naufey as my sister would say)
*Back to the Horror*
So here is an explaination or just my random thoughts to help me get them together to talk to him. See I broke up with him... umm... 2 months ago (I'm sure he remembers the exact date, that's the story of our relationship, he remembers everything I remember nothing) ANYway, we broke up and he did the whole groveling thing and all, and well, I called him 4 days later, not on my own accord, well I guess I should explain that. See before we dated we were really close friends, and we talked all the time and then we started dating and we talked even more than all the time (we talked in our sleep, at least I did) and so I went from having my bestfriend around to talk to anytime I wanted to having noone to talk to and not being able to call my bestfriend and finally (4 days after breaking up) I got sick of it and decieded that it was rediculous for me not to call my bestfriend just because I broke up with my boyfriend. So I called. (totally oblivious to the signal that I was sending to the poor heartbroken guy) So we began talking at first on the phone just a little then a lot and then we started hanging out, in groups, then alone and at first just a little then more and more, and then a ton. So we were basically seen as being back together .. I was just happy to have my bestfriend back. And now we had benefits that we didn't have when we first started. So that was great... NOT!... so as all of this was going on, I realized that I was sending him mixed signals, one saying, 'we are just friends and that's all I really want' and one that was saying, 'I want to be with you I'm just scared of commitment and I will get over it, hang with me here.' So I realized that it wasn't fair to him to put him through this guessing game every day so I finally decided that although it could mean that I lose my bestfriend for good I was going for it, I was going to make him understand that we were broken up, I decied to do this in proper Abi fashion of course by acting distant and not really talking with him about it. That needless to say doesn't work, my book on 'How to Handle a Dating Relationship' failed miserably. So back to square one, what to do, then tonight happens and I figured that 'I was done sending those signals his way' 'I was not going to give into the fleshly part of me that loved having him hold me and kiss me everyonceinawhile' I was putting my foot down, yet again the book on 'How to Manage a Dating Relationship' also failed to make the cut. So now I'm left with a totally confused guy who loves me blindly and would do anything for me. And me in a puddle of emotion yet again. This was not how my Valentines Day was sopposed to go!

He's Alive!

I know it's not Easter yet but I had an Easter experiance the other night! Juda, my fish, was raised from the dead, I know you are thinking that I'm nutz and the fish was prolly just sleeping but that's not true. We poked him and he didn't move, the fish was DEAD but now he is ALIVE! Praise the Lord!

A puddle of emotion

So today has been both the crappiest day and the best day all rolled into one. First the crappy (so we end on a hight note) I woke up and skipped chapel and my first class, the chapel was planned but the skipping of the first class happened because I totally forgot. My buddy Dan comes up to me at Lunch and is like 'you know we are skipping our Tech class' and I about fell out of my chair... I totally had forgotten but then Dan flipped out more than I did, so that made me feel better. Then I went to my 2:00 in HT and I was late. The only class I went to today and I was late. Then I went to work and my manager, who is not the sanest person in the world fired my favorite person who worked there. So I had to close by myself. I love you John! Then we were so slow I wanted to take pictures of myself (shoot myself) because I was soo bored. Then Dustin picked me up from work and we had words. Then I got home and I found out that I had forgotten that my clothes were in the dryer downstairs and some uncaring soul put them on the floor (lovingly I'm sure), So I have to rewash them. Then I got upstairs, and Lauren, Sarah and Mandi my roomie are all there and they look at me with that look that says bad news and said 'Juda died'. Those two small words made me want to melt into the floor in a puddle of emotion. But I didn't.
*Side note*
I really haven't talked about Juda a ton in this blog. But I love him just the same, he was the best darn fish a person could ask for. He would swim around all day and it is really sad because he missed his playdate with Ren and Stimpy down the hall and now they will never be able to hang out again.
*Back to the insanity*
So at this point in my day I'm in the process of picking up the pieces of my day and seeing what I can salvage. I did have a GREAT talk with my roomie this morning, and I got to sleep well, dispite the bloody nose that I had at 4:15 this morning. My 1:00pm class was canceled so I had time to do some stuff, like laundry that needed done pretty badly. I got to sit with Lauren and Steph and Kim and people at lunch which was fun. I also got to go to work and take Andrew's picture, He's the cutiest kid ever! And I got to eat dinner for free. This kid from 'fatburger' came in and gave us cupons for free dinner at 'fatburger' because they are training their new employees and they needed to have a 'practice day' or something. Anyway, so I ate dinner for free and it was really good. I also got to work with Helena who is an absolute doll. And then Dustin picked me up and we got to goof off like racing to the car (I won). And when I got home there were people here and when I went down to collect my laundry Dan had a flower for me. It's really pretty and it's white and I think we'll put it on Juda's grave. So all in all I guess today wasn't that bad but I still want to just dissolve into a puddle of emotion. I'll refrain for now for your sakes and for the pure fact that this is really long.

This is a Public Road

Who would have thought that it was illegal to be on a public road? I guess I can understand however as this story unfolds for you reading pleasure just remember that 'this is a public road'. I go to this really nice college in NY where we hold to a high moral code and even higher codes of conduct. So that means that although cerfew is at 1:00am and it only applies to freshman, all well lit, heated areas are closed to the students around midnight. This forces the students into their cars and the out-of-the way places where only 'evil' can happen. So Dustin and I wanted to watch a movie after I got off work tonight but we knew that we wouldn't have time to finish it if we were in Boon or somewhere else on campus. So we went to this little knook that we had been to before to watch the movie in his car. So, we finished the movie and we were just hanging-out, making-out and chating and all of the sudden I see this light flash in the rear window. I thought it might be campus security out to bother the life out of someone else, but it wasn't the flashing lights that their infiriority complex makes them drive around with, It was more like a flashlight. So I'm like, what was that and we see this cop shining his flashlight in the window. This is soo not happening is running through my mind. So the guy bangs on the window, doesn't tap but bangs impatiently like we should have realized that he wanted us to roll down the window or like we wouldn't hear him even though we were both looking at him. So anyway. We roll down the window and he says 'Why are you sleeping on a public highway?' to which I wanted to respond, 'we were talking but if you would like us to be sleeping together to make your night more exciting why don't you get back in your car and give me about 4 min. to seduce my friend here and we'll try this all over again.' Instead we expressed our ignorance that we thought we were still on campus, (that was a lie but it could'a worked) (but it didn't) So he askes for licence and registration, and ID for me.
*Side Note*
Why didn't he ask me for the licence and registration? Chovanistic Pigs!
*Back to the Insanity*
So he takes our stuff and goes into his little car for a looong time. I don't know what he was doing and maybe the entire sane world will never know but... he comes back and we express our apoligies and our willingness to just leave this 'public road' He is all short with us and is like 'This is a public road' and I swear his record was broken, I just wanted to give him a slap about the head to unstick him so he would stop saying that. So he tells us to get out of here before he 'starts to write us up a lot of paper and we'll have to appear in court.' I just found out something really funny though that makes this all the better. The road is in fact not part of the public highway, it is a privately owned road. So mister police man, We will take our conversation elsewhere but know that 'This is a PRIVATE road'!

Grammar and Phonology

My fast is officially over. I guess you could have deduced that from the soup eating in the last post but that's beside the point. AHH! I hate the English Language! Not really, actually I love it. My roomie thinks I'm crazy and today almost commited me when I got soo excited about my 'Story of the English Language' textbook in the mail!
*Side note*
I got 5 packages today! That is amazing because I never get mail, I mean they don't even send me those annoying campus mailings about sporting events or the business clubs latest fund raiser that noone goes to. (no offence Lauren :P ) I got the pink slips all 5 and I thought they were playing a joke on me but they said, no they had 5 packages for me no joke. But the real joke was that I had to sign for each one seperatly, it took foooorrreeevvver!
*Back to reality*
Anyway about the English language, I'm taking this class 'Grammar and Phonology' which is soo exciting you have no idea. (Thus my roomie is concerned) But the one bad thing is that it makes me examine my grammar and sentence structure, even in my journaling, I have deleted so many mistakes that I would have left in except that I couldn't look at them. Isn't life strange the one thing you love you hate with an equal passion. I guess that's not true for all things though but it's true about a ton of things. Like Peanut Butter (don't ask about the new obsession with PB) you love the way it tastes but you hate the way it makes you gain weight. And School, you love it because you know it's gonna be good in the long run but in the present you hate it because it seems pointless. But God isn't like that. you can't hate him, he's always good!

Dead

Today I died but don't worry I know you won't care. Ok that was really just for the reaction, I hope it gets one, nothing I write seems to get any reaction and sometimes I wonder if anyone is reading this? Am I loved and sometimes I even wonder if I put pants on before I walked to chapel? But that last one is a little unrelated although true. Basically I'm gonna post this and when I come back and look at it I want to know that you are reading this. Even if you just write to me and let me know that you do read this. This is a bit selfcentered I know but, hey this is my little webspace and I'll be selfcentered in it if I want to. So there!

The End of a Beginning

Right now I'm eating a bowl of soup. That may not seem weird to you but it really is. See it's Febuary. Again not that strange you say. but in Febuary I fast. not like running, like not eating and spending time seeking God's direction in differant areas of my life. This isn't the first time I've done this month long fast but it is the first time I've had problems like this. I have to ween myself off of food for a week before the month starts because otherwise your body doesn't know what is going on. So on the 31 I had a nose bleed. Which I didn't think anything of except that it was annoying and long. Then yesterday the 1st of Feb. I was at karate and my roomie (bless her) grazed my nose with a palm strike, barely even touched me. and I bled for the rest of class (about 30 min) THEN... this morning I wake up and I find that it's 'that time of month' which is also strange but for other reasons. Anyway, this afternoon I was having cramps galor and then I passed out. (*gasp*) I can hear you all don't worry I'm fine, I just got shaky and then whoa I was on the floor. So that is the physical reaction my body has been having, but the emotional and spiritual have been just as weird, yesterday after karate I just felt like I needed to cry, strange I know but I did and it made me feel ok but not better and then this morning I felt like yelling at my roomie for the dumbest things and I know that some pple are gonna say it's just cause I'm menstral but I don't think that's it. Spiritually I have felt fenced in, like I don't have anyway out of the horror that I feel when I feel fenced in, alone. Over all I have been thinking that it was Satan attacking me but when I look at it more closely I know that it's partly him but I think that God also has had a hand in it. Comming into this month I felt uneasy about the fast which has never been the case, I didn't have direct guidence from him till almost the last min. and even then it wasn't really as specific as he usually is. I feel almost sinful eating this soup but I know that my body needs it but I feel as if I almost should have just turned to God a long time ago and asked for help, to overcome all the strangeness. Please Pray.

So it's been a while and I'm sorry but life moves at a break-neck pace these days. Draging myself out of bed, classes, work, homework, throwing myself into bed; and all the fun inbetween. Somewhere in there I find time to shower, terorize my roomie and go out with friends. It's a jam-packed life these days! But a good one. Dustin and I are doing well, we are no longer hating eachother; although he claims he never did. (the jury's still out) We aren't together for all of you that are wondering and I don't really think we ever will be but we are still friends. Sometimes our friendship is unconventional but we both like it that way and it's safe for both of us (and by 'both of us' I mean me). I got a package the other day that was exciting! DJ Hoppa sent me some mixez which was a welcome suprise! I gave one to Steph and she just about fell over with joy :P Anyway I guess that's all I have to say, have a great day, hey hey hey hey. (it's a song, say it out loud)

Peanuts

I love peanuts, wether they be in the form of lil peanuts that I deal with at work (Helena), or the roasted kind; I love 'em!

Just a lil thought

I told you that 'joy' thing was for real today I got an amazing thought from 'Praisenation' and thought I'd share it with you :

Today's Scripture comes at a very hard time in David's life (that's King David,author of most of the Psalms). HE was past his youth, he had sinned in a veryterrible way, committed adultery and murder, lost his friends and most of hisfamily, was a laughing stock, scorned by the other rulers of Israel. He was dying of some affliction or was in fear of his life from his enemies. Any ofthis sound familiar? Have you ever been in a situation where you just felt that allwas lost?, David was bargaining for his life.

His thought was basically as follows:"LORD, if you kill me, who is going to Praise you?" I want to draw two conclusions from this.

1. Praise must be very important to the LORD. David did not bargain with hismoney, his possessions or his stature on this earth. When we are bargaining for ourlife, wouldn't we use the most valuable thing we can to achieve our goal? Think about it for a moment. David was arguably the richest man on the face of theearth, and to win the LORD'S favor, he used Praise!

2. Praise was very important and valuable to David. Since he felt that he would besoon dead without the LORD'S intervention, David was giving it his best shot. Hehad pulled out all the stops, so to speak. To David, Praise was his bottom line. Could we say the same in our lives.

If we were to stand before the LORD to give anaccount of why we should continue in this life, could we say "Because I am a PraisePerson?" Seeing the great value placed on Praise by both King David and the LORD, would itnot seem fitting for us to incorporate this wonderful activity into our lives to thefullest extent possible? I think so!

God is SO Good

GOD IS GOOD! PRAISE HIS NAME!
Praise him loudly from the roof tops, from the highest peeks, from the tallest trees Praise his name!

Redeemed

The day is redeemed. I read about 30 pgs of Grammer and Phonology, (not all but almost half of the reading for tommorrow). I also got to talk to Bennett about my grade! and he changed it. Hardly any begging but just a little logic swayed him and he gave me a C+! yeah! so life is good yet again. Praise The Lord!

This is not a life

So here I am sitting in my underwear (sorry for the pic), writing in my blog at 12:30 in the afternoon on a Wed. I have done NOTHING! all day, I woke up around 10:15 and got out of bed around 11:20. Then I threw on a sweatshirt and went down stairs where I watched Gilmore girls for an HOUR! while eating peanutbutter M&M's. This is not a life, and if it is to someone I'm sorry. But I need to work, my boss is pissed at me so I'm not on the schedule untill Fri and then I work Fri all day and Sat all day. This should be interesting. But without the pressure of not having time to do anything I don't get out of bed and I dont work. it's crazy. i'm gonna have to go to the Library tonight to read this Grammer and Phonology (90pg) that I should have read this morning! this is ridiculous. and the episode of Gilmore Girls that I watched wasn't even a new one. I thought I missed my class... which would have just been sick (it's at 1:00pm) AHH what has my life become! I'm gaining weight and I'm not motivated enough to lose it and I'm getting lazy and I'm too lazy to motivate myself! This is just sick. This is not a life!

Totally Sureal

Okay, so tonight I hung out with Dustin. We had a color date that should have been fun, and it was. We joked around and colored two pictures each and it was a grand old time. It took me back. The problem is, it didn't take me far enough back. You see (and it's also partly my fault as well) we were acting almost like we were dating again, him reaching over to hold my hand and me flirting with him. Well now that I am looking back (ya know hindsight is 20/20) I see how that wasn't what either he or I needed. We needed to restablish the friendship not the relationship. So I don't know where to go from here. I also found out that he was sopposed to being hanging out with his roommate but instead he called him and canceled to hang out with me. That's not cool. I know he wants to hang with me but don't neglect those who are your closest friends for others who you are salvaging. Like I said in the beginning I can't place all the blame on him even though I wish I could but I can't cause I was at fault too. I just don't know what to do now. I tried talking and we talked for about 2 1/2 hrs. That's too much. (Again I didn't say goodbye either) But now we hung out and that didn't work either. I know this isn't going to be easy to restablish this friendship but I don't know if I am ready to put so much effort forth to fix the many problems that we have. I don't know what to do now. It's just not working.

Get your Joy on!

Yesterday as I was talking to Dustin I was surfing the web for online devotionals just to see what is out there. Well what I found was this site that said that they would send me 'JOY' each Monday to start my week of crazyness off right. So of course my curiosity got the best of me and I gave them my email. Well I figured that it would be interesting to see what would happen so today I checked my email and I found that they had infact sent me 'joy' but how joyfull I wondered. I was already tickled pink to have something to read in my inbox which is usually stuffed with junk mail anyway. So I opened it and by golly I almost laughed out loud in Olsen's class (which would have been bad). The first line of me 'joy' was 'Get Your Joy On and Praise the Lord All Week Long!' like I said I almost laughed out loud but it really did bring joy into my week. So GET YOUR JOY ON!

"This is the day the LORD has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it." Psalms 118:24

Snowing Stupidity

Today it SNOWED! I say that in that manner because it's still coming down from the sky. I am hoping that it stops because I have to open the store tomorrow.. ewww. But really it's coming down and we have quite a bit of snow on the ground! I went to work today. which was kinda dumb because we closed early around 4:30pm and I went in at 2pm. And I risked my life both getting there and coming home. But anyway, as I was fleeing the mall for my life I walked by the foodcourt and I saw the most splendid act of stupidity. There were people eating at Burger King! As if your life is not in danger already from the weather, you are cloging your arteries with fast food! the nerve of some people! not that I don't eat at BK every once in a while but I just don't think that it is wise to bring your children out in the bad conditons to eat unhealthy food. I didn't think it was snowing stupidity but apparently I am wrong.

A Rush of Emotion

"Did your parents cry in front of you when you were younger?" It's just a simple question, but it has such implications. I have found that the emotional health of the child is based largely (not wholely) on the emotional health that the parents display. My parents never really showed emotion (ie crying, yelling) around me when I was younger. From that I formed my belief that to show emotion is weakness. To cry makes you vulnerable and to yell is insensitive. So that was fine when I was still in the environment but now I'm out in the 'real world' and I have found that my assumptions are not true and are in fact harmful. Last night I was talking to my roomie about this and she said that sometimes it annoys her about my happiness that seems to be present all the time. she said "sometimes I just want to tell you to stop smiling because I know that's not how you feel" and over break someone said to me that I have an aura of happiness and carefreeness. That it seems as if I don't feel hurt or sad ever. Well that's not true, the other night I was hurt, and I cried, but even when I was crying I felt foolish and dumb, like I shouldn't have the right to cry and expect other people to hold me up. (which they did, I have amazing friends) but when I think about it it kinda scares me because although I know that I can cope with the way I am, I dont' want to screw up my children. I want them to be healthy but I don't even know where to begin as far as showing the correct amout of emotion with my children. I have a long time until I have to really worry about kids but I do worry sometimes that I'm not really fit to be a mother and that is the reason I am the way God made me. But when I look at that it reaks of the devil, I know it's just a lie right from him to hold me down, but you know, sometimes you know it's not the truth but you still believe it. I don't know what brought this rush of emotional thinking on me but I really wish I could just remain in my 'happy bubble' as some people call it and not have to worry about anything.