Is it all about me?

Am I self absorbed? sometimes I step back and I look at the way I treat people and I start to obsess over being nicer to them and I start to think to myself 'self' I say 'am I self-centered' and I can't respond any other way than 'yes' because I have begun relying on myself for reassurance that I'm not toally self centered.. what do you think?

Hey Burrito!

Hey burrito, hey hey hey burrito, umm yeah burrito yeah, taco bell taco bell, guakamole cinnimon twist! *random spiriting*
I told you I was going to be a cheerleader this week! and that's my first chant. isn't it great, I am going to kill Anna who is the cheerleading coach for teaching them that chant and getting it stuck in my head! AHHhh..
I am having fun though, I have a group of 8 girls all of whom are 6yr. except one who is 4yr. They are a riot and I don't know many of them so I'm getting to know new kids which is always fun!
CJ and Rich whoes names I couldn't remember before are so fun, they are just quarky. CJ is the soccer coach and Rich is the head coach, watch out for the game of pilots and gunners they will play on Thursday, it's violent and sometimes deadly to small children.
Matt and Heather are the other two and they are fun, I still havent figured Heather out yet but I guess I will eventually, maybe there's nothing to figure out there. and Matt is a sweetheart, so helpful all the time. He's a real blessing. So overall this week is going well, keep praying for no rain! it passed us yesterday and I hope it does the same today!
I am now doing Ami's graduation announcments and planning her party, I'm not the one graduating so I think I should get a cut of the profit, what do you think? (totally kidding)

Whoa was an understatement

KidZCamp was wonderful and over finally.. not that I didn't enjoy it; just that it wasn't the smoothest thing I've ever done. Today we took over the worship service with our 'little orange selves' (as Jill calls us). We had to wear these orange shirts all week, there was much laundry. So it wasn't the most evangelistic event I've ever been a part of and I'm not sure yet how I feel about that. They seemed to worry more about looking good and haveing fun than they did about the kids learning about God and growing closer to him which is not what I think Children's ministry should be.
This week we are starting a Sportz Camp at the church. same place, some of the same kids, and a ton of new things to add to my 'to do list'. We also get to wear these really strange yellow shirts, (we went from orange to yellow I feel like I am working construction). And don't worry we have to wear them everyday! at least it cuts down on the amount of time I have take getting ready in the morning. We met the people we are running the camp (they are called uncharted waters and they have a really fun ministry) They are great fun, sarcastic just like we are, which makes things easy. And they are exciting and cute too. They seem to have the whole package. So this week I get to go from Serengeti Trek to Cheerleading coach. Wish me luck!

Whoa!

Today started KidZCamp (otherwise known as "VBS") at Fountain Park Church. We have it at the community center because there isn't enough room in our Office Building(otherwise known as "Church). It was fun. Anne and I left ALOT till the last min. I could have been up till about 4am this morning trying to get ready for just Monday. But instead I went to bed; which was good cause I got good sleep and was ready to deal with the kids. I just finished the Bible Books which we needed for today but never got printed.. yuck, so much to do and so little time. I guess that's what I learned. "Don't let things go till the last min." But then again I have 'learned' that eight-thousand times.
In other news. Jummy came and we had a great weekend... did I write about this already.. well if I did oh well. We had a marvolus time! and I didn't want to see him go.. neither did the airline and I got to keep him one extra day! YAY! He decided that Pittsburgh wasn't a dirty run-down place after all and that it was quite pretty and livabe.
I have fallen in love you should just all know that. I am totally in love with the kids at KidZCamp. I can't wait to go back tomorrow. It's like getting to be a glorified kid all over again except you have to worry about audio cables, crew bags, bleeding children, unprinted Bible Books, dirty fingers at snack time, running out of string for nametags so the kids have to wear them as chokers and band members with big heads. I love it!

just a random update on me!

So I am here at work just biding my time till 4:00 rolls around so I can go home. I finished all of my work but this week I have to keep hours cause Dar isn't here. (it's not all that bad) so I'm writing in my blog and hopeing that when I'm done it will be 4:00.
So here is just an update on my life
FAMILY:
Life is good in the Havener house, we are all home except Stasi who is off this week doing more training for Slovakia.
Alex and Ami can't be left in a room together for more than 13min. which will be fun to see cause she's had him all day!
Matt (our marine) is home this week and next week which is fun. He came over to see Alex last night, they are so cute together.
Amanda is planing on spending the summer at my Grandparents in Ebensburg just for an adventure, I wish her all the luck in the world and hope she returns home sane.
Mom is losing weight like CRAZY! it's so good, Best of luck to her too.
Father isn't losing weight and he can't pull his hair back yet so we aren't cutting it, I sugessested yesterday that we pay for a 'father's day makeover' he didn't go for it.. we'll hatch another plan soon to get rid of the hair.
FRIENDS:
If you are reading this than you don't see me enough and you should give me a call.
Meg is in Pittsburgh this summer!! YEAH! it's good to be reunited with your matching soul even if it's just for a while!
It's good seeing my girls, Tosh and Jen and Amanda and Cara! yeah! We went to see 'The Taveling Pants' and we couldn 't decide who would be whom from the movie. If you have any thoughts let me know..well I'll go now it's way later than 4:00 and my sis is leaving me from talking on the phone!
love ya all! (drop me a comment I'm beginning to feel left unread and unloved!)

just a thought in song

So here I am.
open and broken
beaten and battered
by the waves that washed me to this dark shore

I don't know how I got here
or when I will leave
but one thing I know for sure

when I am alone
and when I am scared
I reach out to you
and you take my hand

and you say

I've got you baby
from the moment you were born
from the first breath to the last
know that I'm here
to hold you safe in my arms

to keep you from danger
to protect you from harm

know that I will be here
that I am here
in the midst of your storm

baby I've got you

Lord I am yours

Home again Home again

Home now from New York and seeing Jimmy! It was so good to see him! It was weird at first, is that bad? who knows, life is good now.
So I rode up with Sarah which as fun because we haven't talked in a while, and I don't really have many people who I can talk ESL with here in PGH so that was refreshing (for the first 2 hrs at least) we also talked about our men, she was going up to see Timone (sp?). She was apprihensive about seeing him cause she had some heavy stuff that she wanted to talk about
*SIDE NOTE*
I'm at work and I just answered the phone, on the other end is a lady who was calling to talk to Debi (our PL cordinator) and she wanted to know if a sentence that she was sending with her resume (to another company) "sounded funny"... is that totally random or what?
*BACK TO REALITY*
so Sarah had some stuff she needed to talk to Timone about and she was pretty sure (84%) that this would end the relationship, which sucks cause she really.. and I mean really likes this one. but anyway we talked about that and how dating older guys is kinda strange and brings other factors into the relationship.
I am a scale person in relationships, the scales have to be even for me. and right now it's like he's giving and I'm just taking. I suck at this whole affirmation thing which is no good cause he's really big on that. I don't know.. and this is long and I could ramble on forever! so I won't say much more in this entry except that I hate the fact that I have commitment and trust problems and I'm not going to run from this one.

I love my Job!

I am having a GREAT SUMMER! the weather isn't very summery but oh well. I am loving my job. I am working at Fountain Park Presb. Church (check us out at www.fountainpc.com ) I am working as the children's ministry intern and I LOVE IT! it's a really relaxed job which is nice, right now I'm not wearing shoes or socks, I'm in jeans and a t-shirt and tomorrow I might wear sweats if I feel like it. How wonderful! The things that I am 'required' to do aren't a huge deal, they are things that I always wished people would pay me to do. Like wearing a toga and a large straw hat, or coloring for hours on end, or designing flyers and bulletin inserts. and most of all playing with kids! I Love my job!

YEAH FOR JESUS

I'm so happy and here's the reason why Jesus took my burden all away Now I'm singing as the days go by Jesus took my burden all away Once my heart which heavy With A load of sin But Jesus took the load And gave ME peace within Now I'm happy and that's the reason why Jesus took my burden all away.

Star Gazing

So these last few nights have been a blur (mostly because I am sooo tired) today I am playing 'catch-up' cause I am so behind in a majority of my classes. And it's not helping to be out till all hours of the night, last night I was going to go to bed early then I had to pick some stuff up for Jimmy and then give it to him and that turned into star gazing and that turned into talking that turned into a 2am ordeal. That's really what I wanted to write about. The stargazing. See we were in the field directly below the gazebo, just laying there looking at the stars and talking. and then all of the sudden Jimmy sat up and says 'who is that' apparently he saw a whole bunch of kids come out of no where and run to the gazebo. Then in a stroke of total strangness we hear this recorder playing 'Mary had a little lamb' and other assorted strange and unattached songs and laughing and jumping coming from the gazebo. It was totally strange, beyond belief almost. So we sat there for a little bit more and then we left. but they were still there we think. I don't know who they were we have our hunches but they are not proven so I won't incriminate anyone. So watch out for strange 'jam sessions' at 2am when you are gazing at the beautiful night sky this week.

An Adventure for Sure

So these last few days I have gotten to know this guy Jimmy. He's pretty special and I'm really glad that we finally connected. Most of our conversations have been at night (after about 10:30) as we walk around Nyack. These walks have been amazing first because he is there but second because it's ALWAYS and adventre. Two nights ago for example we decided to walk into downtown Nyack and go to the pier over the Hudson. As we were walking back around 12:30 at night this guy on a bike was following us. Jimmy started to get paranoid, I thought he was overreacting but then in the end he prolly wasn't. So this guy on a bike is matching our pace and following us on the other side of the street. So we decide to go to this gas station instead of going up the deserted street that leads to the school. So the guy follows us to the gas station and parks his bike and gets off but never comes in and when we go out after about a min. he's gone. Like I said its always an adventure! Last night was no different. We were walking and then we decided to go over the bridge over the thruway and watch the cars going under us. (he says I'm a cheap date, prolly true) Then we crossed the bridge and walked down this road trying to get to the river but then we hit a dead end and decided to go back. So we made a wrong turn and eventually ended up at the Tappan Zee bridge! that's not so close to the school so we finally got on 9W and headed in the right direction toward the school. I thought the adventure was over but no. We ended up walking around the neighborhood around the school where we knew where we were and how to get back. There is this nice wall about oh 1/2 mile or more from the school and we went there to sit and chat. So then we decided that it was about 3 am so we should get back to school. So as we are walking back. this SUV comes towards us and passes us and stops and this huge black guy gets out and starts calling to us to 'slow up' and 'wait' and 'stop. AHHHH the thoughts that were going through my mind were not that great. Jimmy was telling me afterward that he was thinking 'what of value did he have on him' and 'what if he goes for Abi. I could die' so that's where we were at. and this guys girlfriend gets out and starts chasing after him so I thought he was drunk. Then he proceeds to come up close to Jimmy and sticks his hand out and he shakes Jimmy's hand and thanks him, (at this point I recognize his girlfriend from the school) he thanks Jimmy for encouraging him one day when he was playing catch with his buddy. It was totally bizzare! but an adventure non the less we both sighed a breath of relief when they got back in the car and drove away. What an adventure it has been and I can't wait to see what else happens!

By The Way

B&G got it together and we got a blind yesterday! YEAH B & G! We love you again. (I'm sorry that my underwear was everywhere it was a rough morning!)

On the Surface

Sometimes I worry about my family. I know deep down that there is nothing real to worry about but on the surface sometimes I get caught up in it all and it worries me. My parents are in love. (so... what's the problem? right?) well there's more to it than that. Sometimes to talk to them you wouldn't know that. When mom considers (only on the surface) leaving my dad. and when my dad slips into this 'other-world' state that hes been in for a while now (about a year), I can't help but worry and then there's us kids. Stasi just graduated and she's working at Eckard, not a huge deal; she's going to Denver in May to train to be a 'missionary-type-person'. But she worries me sometimes (only on the surface though) that she doesnt realize that she's made for GREAT things! I can't wait to see what God is going to do with her and through her and I love that I got to be a small part in it. (even if it's just picking out her prom date)! And Amanda, she's stuck in mediocrity too sometimes. She's an amazing person who is going to see amazing things happen in her lifetime and she'll have a part in making them happen. Alex is another story. I get mad sometimes because he's getting gypet. He has an amazing family but sometimes we can't get ourselves together enough to pass that on to him. We all have our own lives and forget that there's a little one who needs to get a life, who is moldable and watching every move we make. So I guess that leaves me, ministryless and depressed (at the moment). missing God and crying inside but too proud to let that penitrate to my surface. We all have the good inside, the amazing the spectacular but we build walls to keep it inside and then we wonder why we can't see the amazing and the spectacular and we blame God for it. Like he made us this way. but he didn't he made us to be amazing and spectacular and proactive! 'God-help me to be what is indwelled within me!'

What am I Waiting For?

So now that I'm old I have found that life is a series of changes. Things that you once thought were constant are not constant anymore. Friends you thought were forever are now friends you won't see till forever and friends you counted off your list have become forever friends with you. The other day I asked God to show me that my life was still exciting because I have felt lately that my life is just a waste of time waiting to end. So instead of doing the 'human thing' that I expected of giving me exciting events one after another or opening my eyes to what I have, he took it in a little bit different of a direction. I was talking on IM and he began to show me that my life isn't wasted in waiting. He showed me what some people I knew have become when they went looking for excitement or haven't waited. two of my friends came 'out of the closet' as homosexuals. This came as a shock. one of those things you just don't expect in a million years. Girls you have joked with and grown up with, girls who gave you dating advice when you came to them broken are now changed in your view forever. Not in a 'bad' way just in a different way. I was presented with a situation where a lovely couple didn't wait and now their marrage is wrecked and broken. Over all I know that God has a plan for all of these individuals but he showed me through them that he still has a plan for me! I can't wait to see what it is!

I'm OLD!!!!

Okay maybe I'm not old yet but tomorrow I will be. This is my last day as a teenager, I thought (too late) that I should have worn my hair in pigtails and skipped everywhere. I am going to be 20 tomorrow! AH! It's scary because I'm not a teen anymore and I have to start doing responsiable, ok nothing is really going to change but it feels like it will so here's to the last days of childhood!!
YIPPPPPEEEEE!

Getting over it.

So this morning and basically for the last few days, my emotions have been on edge, I have been testy and I haven't been very nice to most people. Oh outside I was all hugs and smiles but inside I was hopeing that they tripped with their soup in hand and spilt it all over the others that were standing around them. Ok maybe that's a bit melodramatic but it's true, I have been wishing ill-will on others lately. It's not that it's their fault or that I 'hate' them it's just that I don't like the relationships that have bloomed/died this semester and really it's because of me. For those of you who don't know I work about 36 hours a week as well as holding down a 18 credit semester and 20 hours of educational field experiance. So really I have just worked my butt off this semester to help pay for school. it's working (only 1600 in loans for two years!) but at what cost. I feel so unconnected to my friends, I don't know how to fix it though. Like this morning Mandi was all excited because she and Mike (this guy who she likes but refuses to admit that she wants to get with him) and going on a double 'date' with Jolly, Hon. Normally I would be so excited that they are going but the fact that she is now OK with them (Mike and her) going out with other couples kinda hurt. Cause I tried to plan an 'outing' with Dustin and I and Mike and Mandi and she flipped out and said it would be too strange. I respect that but don't turn around 1 week later and act like the oppertunity has never presented itself. So then we talked about Dustin and I cause I know she has a past with him and if that is strange then I understand that too. But she said it wasn't and that she felt sometimes like Dustin takes up all of my freetime. And I really just wanted to say to her 'cause anytime I try to hang out with you, you blow me off' like this past Fri. I planned to hang out with her after I got off work but she called about 30 min before I got off and was like 'we are going to Justin's meet us there if you want'.. I would have had to walk to Justin's by myself, in the dark, and Nyack isn't the safest town ever. So I told her I would see her when she got back. Then Dustin called and invited me to go hotdog shopping so I went. I'm not just gonna sit around in my room and if she doesn't want to hang out then fine, I have other friends. That's really how I feel and I know that I should just tell her but well, its hard, cause I do work A LOT! and I don't see her as often as I would like, but even when I take off work to hang out, somehow I feel blown off like she doesn't want me around. She says that she and Lauren feel the same way about me but I really don't get it. I don't know maybe I'm just closed minded. I'll get over it. Sorry if this doesn't exactly make sence to any of you. you'll get over it too.

Too Unreal

This is too unreal, I'm sitting in my room right now.. trying to write a paper but right now there are 7 other girls in my room, Erica and Amanda are sharing my bed, Kate just moved to my desk chair, Katie is on the floor behind my chair, sleeping on some coats all laid out on the floor, Mie Me is at the foot of Mandi's bed and Mandi is in her bed. and some girl who I don't even know is sleeping next to my chair on the floor. Why you may ask, that is a very good question, it was about 2:00 am when Mandi's phone started to ring and then mine went off. There was a carbonmonoxide leak in the other girls dorm and so they all had to evacuate and some of them ended up here in my room! it's like a freaky sleepover. they finally all went to sleep after much excitement. But life is good, Kate is wearing my beanie from work, that's exciting, this will be an interesting morning when we all get up... the bathroom will be nutz! but we'll handle that when we get there. For now I'm going back to trying to write this stupid paper. Maybe I'll give up, but my motivation is that I don't have a bed to sleep in. there's no room at this inn!

B&G

B&G is not at good as M&M's but we like them anyway. I have a funny story to tell you. Mandi and I skipped chapel on Fri. ('hethans' I know) so we were in our room around 10:25am, Mandi had just gotten back from the shower and I had just gotten back from trying to dig a grave for Juda, so I was dressed in all black.
*Side note*
apparently pple will think it's strange if we dig a hole next to A.B.'s grave so this funeral may have to be late at night so no one can tell that we are digging and so nobody will think that we are trying to dig up old A.B.
*Back to the funny story that isn't funny yet*
so I was dressed but Mandi was not when we hear the B&G guys come on the floor ('Man on the floor') Mandi freaks out and slams the door shut and is like 'OMG I'm naked what should we do!' I told her to simply lock the door and forget about it, they weren't going to be comming into our room. No sooner had I said that than there was a knock on our door ('B&G') Again this sends Mandi into a fit, so if they hadn't already established that someone in our room was naked they now had a pretty strong suspicion. Mandi replies in the most haried way, 'One min., Hold on!' Leaving no doubt in their minds that she is naked. They were there to fix our blinds. (They used my screwdriver! I think they were impressed at my selection of tools) they took our blind and said that they had to get one that fit and that they would be back. So they left and we got ready for Lunch and left them a clever little thank-you taped to the window. It said 'Thanks for helping us in a 'blind'' He He He :P We thought it was clever but I'm afraid they are Canadian and won't get it. Oh well. So when we got back the note was gone, but I can still look straight out my window, no blinds! B&G it is rude to accept thanks for things you don't do. Didn't your mom ever tell you this?

Mourning (again)

Juda is offically dead. He died on Feb. 17th around 5 pm. It was a sad event, we all thought he was kidding again however after he didn't move for about 4 hours except to float to the top (sorry for the mental pic) we determined that he had kicked the bucket. :( Life is rough. We were going to have the funeral on Fri the 18th, however we had to postpone it because apparently you can not dig a grave in the middle of winter with a spoon because the ground is too hard. Therefore we put Juda on ice and we are waiting warmer weather or better excavation tools, whichever comes first. If you would like to send condolences you can send them here in the form of a comment or you can email them to baz48@stargate.net . either is acceptable, it will be a closed casket funeral and I will let you know when it will be. Thankyou for your heartfelt pity on my plight, the surviving family is coping well and seeking to bring joy to some other aquatic animal in the near future.

I Shouldn't Write 'How to' Books

Sometimes the right things hurt, like when you disipline a child or when you have to say goodbye to someone and you don't really want to. 'Why does the right thing hurt so much?' is one of the questions I find myself asking God. Tonight just to give you some background. I was sopposed to go out with Dustin and we were going to originally watch 'The Notebook' Then with strong warning from my family (*stasi*) I told him I would rather not watch such a romantic movie with him because I didn't think that it would be the best signal to send him because we aren't dating. So he was kinda perplexed by that (I guess that's the right word for it) but he went along with it (like he does all of my random mood swings) and we changed the movie, then he was all about not doing it in the lobby of Boon, but instead doing it in one of the classrooms of Boon, so I decieded that was also not the best of signals, alone in a darkened room with him. So I nixed that idea too. So then tonight he calls and he's like 'karate is meeting in the lobby so we can either cancel or do it upstairs' To which I was very apprehensive, because although I wanted to hang out with him, I was now worried about the message that I was sending. So I decided to nix the whole thing, which brought on a ton of stuff that I'm about to explain in great detail to you all. See I got there (because he talked me into comming to talk about my 'problems') and he has flowers and rootbeer and cheese curls (I'm a sucker for rootbeer and cheese curls). And he obviously had this all planned out to be a wonderful evening. So he wanted to talk and I just realized that for as concrete as it was in my mind I couldn't at that moment put into words a coherent explaination of what I had been working over in my mind for the past month in bits and peices. So I told him that I didn't want to talk about it. Then as I was getting my stuff to leave, I accidently knocked the flowers over onto the floor (bad move). Basically anything that could go wrong on my Valentines Day did.
*Side Note*
Did I mention that instead of being warm like it has been, it snowed and was rainny, Naufey as my sister would say)
*Back to the Horror*
So here is an explaination or just my random thoughts to help me get them together to talk to him. See I broke up with him... umm... 2 months ago (I'm sure he remembers the exact date, that's the story of our relationship, he remembers everything I remember nothing) ANYway, we broke up and he did the whole groveling thing and all, and well, I called him 4 days later, not on my own accord, well I guess I should explain that. See before we dated we were really close friends, and we talked all the time and then we started dating and we talked even more than all the time (we talked in our sleep, at least I did) and so I went from having my bestfriend around to talk to anytime I wanted to having noone to talk to and not being able to call my bestfriend and finally (4 days after breaking up) I got sick of it and decieded that it was rediculous for me not to call my bestfriend just because I broke up with my boyfriend. So I called. (totally oblivious to the signal that I was sending to the poor heartbroken guy) So we began talking at first on the phone just a little then a lot and then we started hanging out, in groups, then alone and at first just a little then more and more, and then a ton. So we were basically seen as being back together .. I was just happy to have my bestfriend back. And now we had benefits that we didn't have when we first started. So that was great... NOT!... so as all of this was going on, I realized that I was sending him mixed signals, one saying, 'we are just friends and that's all I really want' and one that was saying, 'I want to be with you I'm just scared of commitment and I will get over it, hang with me here.' So I realized that it wasn't fair to him to put him through this guessing game every day so I finally decided that although it could mean that I lose my bestfriend for good I was going for it, I was going to make him understand that we were broken up, I decied to do this in proper Abi fashion of course by acting distant and not really talking with him about it. That needless to say doesn't work, my book on 'How to Handle a Dating Relationship' failed miserably. So back to square one, what to do, then tonight happens and I figured that 'I was done sending those signals his way' 'I was not going to give into the fleshly part of me that loved having him hold me and kiss me everyonceinawhile' I was putting my foot down, yet again the book on 'How to Manage a Dating Relationship' also failed to make the cut. So now I'm left with a totally confused guy who loves me blindly and would do anything for me. And me in a puddle of emotion yet again. This was not how my Valentines Day was sopposed to go!