random

I'm taking up coffee

On the right track (an update)

I've been reflecting on life lately and this is not a reflection but an update...
I am doing well here at Nyack, I am loving my work, my new manager is tons of fun, well my Sr at least, Wendy I'm not sure of yet cause we never work together EVER, she only works with Miguel and some of us think there may be something going on.. but noone can prove anything so we are just thinking they are really good family friends. I have gotten to hang out with Nathalie (or other Asst. Mngr) she is amazing, she's a Hatian immigrant who has been here a little over a year. She has done amazing things with her life. She studied law in Haiti and then worked as an English teacher (now you know why we get along so well) and interpreter Then she moved to the US and sold shoes (what a step back huh?) but she didn't see it as a step back, her enthusiasm for life is the most amazing thing. She lives in one bedroom apt. with her Aunt and her kids and her mother. How crowded, no wonder she likes coming to work. So that has been rewarding.. pray for her, her view on Chrisitanity is very bleak because of past experiance.
My classes are going ok. They are classes what is there to say, I have my first Bib. Doct. Exam... everyone is freaking out about it but it's really not gonna be that hard (I don't think) ANYWAY.. I should go study for it in the last 15 min I have so have a great day, I'm on track for one...

Life

It doesn't suck, its just blah. Do you ever have days like that.. when you really wish you could call your exboyfriend because he was such a good listener, and you just want to talk to your mom but you aren't getting along right now for some reason that noone can figure out and your Spanish pronunciation is going to the pigs. None of it is life shattering however none of it makes for the best day... So that's where I'm at, just life, not that it sucks or that it's wonderful but just that it is.
Like I said, I don't know why I don't feel like talking to my mom, we have a great relationship and I can always tell her everything (even when it gets me in trouble for telling her). It's just that lately I just want to talk to her not as a mom but as a friend, who understands what I'm going through and I know she wouldn't agree with how my life is being run right now but really it's my life and while I appriciate her input, I think it's time I make some mistakes. That doesn't make much sense since if I know they are mistakes why would I choose to do them? well that's a good question... maybe because I can and maybe because I just want to do something for once that they don't approve of or have a say over...
*aren't you sopposed to rebel against your parents when you are living with them?*
I don't know what I'm doing with my life. This morning I was thinking about goals and what my goals are for this year and sadly I don't have any... just finish out one more year and maybe bring up my GPA a little and not fight everytime I see my parents. Those are the lamest goals I have ever seen and the really sad thing is... they are mine.. this is my life, not good, not bad, not quite ugly but just LIFE.

Wet tshirt contest

This isn't funny God... today it wasn't sopposed to rain, it was a good day and still is but I just didn't want to have it rain on me in my thin little white tshirt... yuck.. and then I had to walk back across the entire campus in my see-through shirt to my dorm to change and now I'm typing to you.. I guess it could have been worse.. but who knows... Anyway.. today is a great day.. everyone I have talked to agrees... even my sister Stasi.. I think, I talked to her before she worked all day watching someone elses children and I haven't been to work but hopefully things will go well.. I had yesterday off and that was nice.. I took a 3 hr nap (no more than that Mandi). it was delightful! and than Steph called and we decided to do something which turned into a hunt for the New York Times for Justin so we could borrow one of his DVD's ... good times.. well I'm gonna change and go to dinner.. maybe the food will be good.. now I'm being way to opptomistic.

life sucks

life isn't easy, a lot of time you have to make decisions that you don't want to make. Life isn't fair, you rarely ever get your way. Life isn't always fun, sometimes you have to be an adult. Life sucks.

here's to the single life

I've never been so misirably blissful, I just burst into tears for no reason, well there usually is a reason but it's not that real reason cause I don't know what the real reason is. I'm an emotional train wreck and I can't take it. Jimmy and I brok up (my choice).. and that doesn't mean that I don't care about him or that I never want to see him again but I feel like me keeping in touch is killing him slowly and he's too pridful to say anything. I know sometimes when we get off the phone I cry, I can't put a finger on why or what caused it but I just feel like a part of me is missing. I hear that normal when you give peices of yourself to someone and then that someone dies, that's what's sopposed to happen, not that you arne't together anymore, they are sopposed to die, not that I would ever want Jimmy to die! I would NOT be able to handle that if he did. So I'm glad that he's not dead (beyond glad) but really I guess you are sopposed to get a commitment and have a commitment to someone before you give your heart away.
*note to self*
remember to look ahead before jumping in with both feet
*back to the ramble*
I just don't know what to do and he thinks I have all these people who are supporting me and lifting me up when I cry and all these people who I can call anytime I want to and I prolly do have a number of people like that. but I'm to 'hold it together' to call them. (most of them) I just had an episode and I picked up my phone and I needed to talk to someone and I couodn't think of one person, so I called my sister, who didn't answer her phone (when I needed her the most *guilt trip*) and so than I had no one. I tried my other sister who also has a life and wouldn't take my call... so that's it, two people who I'm related to so they have to love me and accept me and they can't even help and I guess I could call someone else but I don't want to get into it with anyone here, they are all concerned with how I feel and they will keep asking me when really I just need someone to talk me down off this ledge and get me sane and then never mention it again... and in all this stupid me thought I could reconnect with my ex... whoa Abi, where was my support then, nowhere apparently, I'm not ready for that. I can't handle getting over Jimmy and getting over him at the same time, not that I'm not over him, I am but really it's like reliving everything all over again and I don't want to have to deal with that, maybe that's what God is trying to tell me that I need to just get over things all at once, like a crash course. who knows. I need to do some school work, maybe I'll catch you up later, just to clarify, Jimmy and I are over as are Dustin and I. I have no desire to date anyone for a very long time, even if the new guy is really nice, I'm honestly thinking of just being single for the rest of my life, but part of me still wants to go on dates and be treated like a princess and be able to do it on my own time and all that jazz which is never gonna happen cause that's not the way the world works. so here's to the single life. (I know this is confussing but if I didn't put it out there I wouldn't ever and it's really just thoughts as they run through my head they aren't concrete and no decisions, mine or yours should be made based on them they'll prolly change tomorrow, so here I am.. AGH

amily and other random rambles

so here goes, I went to see Jimmy this weekend, we were going to go to his church on Sun so he came out and got me Sat. night so we didn't have to get up crazy early on Sun.
lets start with church, his church was relatively normal, a little more contemporary than Mars Alliance but not soo out there you want to run for the hills, he told me that it was very likely that there would be congrigational speaking in tounges, which I don't agree with and I told him so, but it turns out we misunderstood eachother. I thought he ment that the pastor would announce it like "now we will speak in tounges to the Lord". That I don't agree with but what he did mean was that some people in his congrigation speak in tounges when they worship. so you see conflict avoided, YEAH. But not really, see he had talked to his pastor and told him God knows what about me and my spiritual background so his pastor pulls me aside before the service and starts to tell me all about how prayer is improtant and how we need to be praying about national matters and some other things, and it came off as very condicending and I just wanted to stop him and say "Really I do believe in Jesus". So I just listened and nodded my way through it believeing it had something to do with what Jimmy had told him about me but all the same resenting it kind of. So then I told Jimmy or rather asked him what he had told him and explained how things had come off to me and so Jimmy and I are talking outside the church and Jimmy's pastor comes out and asks if everything is ok and Jimmy chimes right in and tells him how I feel offended and all this stuff, which I understand why, because I didn't communicate my thoughts very well and the fact that I know the pastor didn't mean to come off that way and that his heart was in the right place but I didn't get to that, so now it's akward between the pastor and me before the service, he appologized (which wasn't necessary). other than that the church thing went off without a hitch
The next event was meeting his family, which I was nervious about, he is Italian and has strong roots there so family is huge to him and not so much to me so I was going ot meet some people before the BIG family *reunion* which we are calling a party cause it's not as scary to me. so I met Sam at church he really helped me not feel so akward *that's Sam* and Marian his fiance or girlfriend or something like that and I already knew Rachel and Jen and Joey, I also met his aunt Lisa and his Uncle Mike, they are all sweet, a little overwhelming but all in all I think it went well. There are some things there that I don't exactly want in my family but we will see, first impressions can be misplaced.
THEN the final event was a walk on the beach and Trivial Persuit with Sam and Marian, Rachel and Jen and Jimmy and me. Well between the walk on the beach and the game my allergies caught up with me from his aunt's dog. so I took this benadryl which knocked me out, like can't-see-straight-to walk-in-a-straight-line-without-faltering loopy. I ended us spending the night (n what a night it was) so all in all my Labor day weekend was great... a new adventure everyday. and now on actual labor day I must get to class....

life is funny

so today is ok, I am doing fine and dandy. lately it's been rough what with my boyfriend and all, adjusting to being in the same state is more difficult than I thought it would be. so I'm just dealing. Yesterday we decided to go to his house in Queens for dinner (at around 7pm mind you) So we get there and eat and then they turn out the lights and bring in this cake with candles and stuff and Im totally clueless and as I looked around the table everyone else did too. Then we started singing 'Happy Birthday' (I still don't think anyone knew whoes birthday we were celebrating) turns out they were singing for his mother whoes birthday was a month ago.. go figure. Then we hung out and didn't come back to Nyack till around 2am, (sorry honey no more late nights like that). I was ok though cause my morning class was canceled and my first one wasn't till around 11am but Rachel, I love her. Came and got me up for our 9am class (that was canceled!) Oh my... so Im tired and missing home and all that jazz. So drop me a line up here at school if you want the addy is
One South Blvd Nyack NY 10960 I love to get mail!
So that' s pretty much it... reconnecting and all that junk, life is good and crazy already and I haven't started work yet (start on Tues) Let ya know how that goes....

I QUIT!

I don't want to go back, not because I don't want to see everyone. I just have so much anxiety about going back and I don't know what it is all about. I know that I just don't want to go back. pure and simple, but I promised God I would do everything to the best of my ability so here I am packing up my life again and moving to NY for a couple months, I am just done with school, I guess, I don't know how people do it for 7 yrs and more.. I couldn't already I feel like dropping out and just doing what I'm soposed to be doing working for the Lord teaching English to others so they can function in not only their small communities but also on a global scale.
today I am doing paperwork so if you have a min and want to call feel free, I would enjoy the distraction.. I have a ton of stuff that I haven't done cause I've been everyones mother for the summer (in fact right now I'm buying my younger sister's books for college cause she can't figure out how to do it herself) AGGGHHHHhh I'm so unhappy with what my life has become. I'm moving to Hondoras and living in a grass hut, you can't talk me out of it *but I would enjoy the call.....

I am finally UNpacked

so I'm almost entirely unpacked from college... I know it's time to go back and all but I never unpacked, and my dad covered my stuff in sawdust.. so laundry it is. This is pathetic but such is life... I go back on Sun! yeah I don't want to go back to school but I do... such is the life of a college student but I will get there and it will be good to be back..

Is it all about me?

Am I self absorbed? sometimes I step back and I look at the way I treat people and I start to obsess over being nicer to them and I start to think to myself 'self' I say 'am I self-centered' and I can't respond any other way than 'yes' because I have begun relying on myself for reassurance that I'm not toally self centered.. what do you think?

Hey Burrito!

Hey burrito, hey hey hey burrito, umm yeah burrito yeah, taco bell taco bell, guakamole cinnimon twist! *random spiriting*
I told you I was going to be a cheerleader this week! and that's my first chant. isn't it great, I am going to kill Anna who is the cheerleading coach for teaching them that chant and getting it stuck in my head! AHHhh..
I am having fun though, I have a group of 8 girls all of whom are 6yr. except one who is 4yr. They are a riot and I don't know many of them so I'm getting to know new kids which is always fun!
CJ and Rich whoes names I couldn't remember before are so fun, they are just quarky. CJ is the soccer coach and Rich is the head coach, watch out for the game of pilots and gunners they will play on Thursday, it's violent and sometimes deadly to small children.
Matt and Heather are the other two and they are fun, I still havent figured Heather out yet but I guess I will eventually, maybe there's nothing to figure out there. and Matt is a sweetheart, so helpful all the time. He's a real blessing. So overall this week is going well, keep praying for no rain! it passed us yesterday and I hope it does the same today!
I am now doing Ami's graduation announcments and planning her party, I'm not the one graduating so I think I should get a cut of the profit, what do you think? (totally kidding)

Whoa was an understatement

KidZCamp was wonderful and over finally.. not that I didn't enjoy it; just that it wasn't the smoothest thing I've ever done. Today we took over the worship service with our 'little orange selves' (as Jill calls us). We had to wear these orange shirts all week, there was much laundry. So it wasn't the most evangelistic event I've ever been a part of and I'm not sure yet how I feel about that. They seemed to worry more about looking good and haveing fun than they did about the kids learning about God and growing closer to him which is not what I think Children's ministry should be.
This week we are starting a Sportz Camp at the church. same place, some of the same kids, and a ton of new things to add to my 'to do list'. We also get to wear these really strange yellow shirts, (we went from orange to yellow I feel like I am working construction). And don't worry we have to wear them everyday! at least it cuts down on the amount of time I have take getting ready in the morning. We met the people we are running the camp (they are called uncharted waters and they have a really fun ministry) They are great fun, sarcastic just like we are, which makes things easy. And they are exciting and cute too. They seem to have the whole package. So this week I get to go from Serengeti Trek to Cheerleading coach. Wish me luck!

Whoa!

Today started KidZCamp (otherwise known as "VBS") at Fountain Park Church. We have it at the community center because there isn't enough room in our Office Building(otherwise known as "Church). It was fun. Anne and I left ALOT till the last min. I could have been up till about 4am this morning trying to get ready for just Monday. But instead I went to bed; which was good cause I got good sleep and was ready to deal with the kids. I just finished the Bible Books which we needed for today but never got printed.. yuck, so much to do and so little time. I guess that's what I learned. "Don't let things go till the last min." But then again I have 'learned' that eight-thousand times.
In other news. Jummy came and we had a great weekend... did I write about this already.. well if I did oh well. We had a marvolus time! and I didn't want to see him go.. neither did the airline and I got to keep him one extra day! YAY! He decided that Pittsburgh wasn't a dirty run-down place after all and that it was quite pretty and livabe.
I have fallen in love you should just all know that. I am totally in love with the kids at KidZCamp. I can't wait to go back tomorrow. It's like getting to be a glorified kid all over again except you have to worry about audio cables, crew bags, bleeding children, unprinted Bible Books, dirty fingers at snack time, running out of string for nametags so the kids have to wear them as chokers and band members with big heads. I love it!

just a random update on me!

So I am here at work just biding my time till 4:00 rolls around so I can go home. I finished all of my work but this week I have to keep hours cause Dar isn't here. (it's not all that bad) so I'm writing in my blog and hopeing that when I'm done it will be 4:00.
So here is just an update on my life
FAMILY:
Life is good in the Havener house, we are all home except Stasi who is off this week doing more training for Slovakia.
Alex and Ami can't be left in a room together for more than 13min. which will be fun to see cause she's had him all day!
Matt (our marine) is home this week and next week which is fun. He came over to see Alex last night, they are so cute together.
Amanda is planing on spending the summer at my Grandparents in Ebensburg just for an adventure, I wish her all the luck in the world and hope she returns home sane.
Mom is losing weight like CRAZY! it's so good, Best of luck to her too.
Father isn't losing weight and he can't pull his hair back yet so we aren't cutting it, I sugessested yesterday that we pay for a 'father's day makeover' he didn't go for it.. we'll hatch another plan soon to get rid of the hair.
FRIENDS:
If you are reading this than you don't see me enough and you should give me a call.
Meg is in Pittsburgh this summer!! YEAH! it's good to be reunited with your matching soul even if it's just for a while!
It's good seeing my girls, Tosh and Jen and Amanda and Cara! yeah! We went to see 'The Taveling Pants' and we couldn 't decide who would be whom from the movie. If you have any thoughts let me know..well I'll go now it's way later than 4:00 and my sis is leaving me from talking on the phone!
love ya all! (drop me a comment I'm beginning to feel left unread and unloved!)

just a thought in song

So here I am.
open and broken
beaten and battered
by the waves that washed me to this dark shore

I don't know how I got here
or when I will leave
but one thing I know for sure

when I am alone
and when I am scared
I reach out to you
and you take my hand

and you say

I've got you baby
from the moment you were born
from the first breath to the last
know that I'm here
to hold you safe in my arms

to keep you from danger
to protect you from harm

know that I will be here
that I am here
in the midst of your storm

baby I've got you

Lord I am yours

Home again Home again

Home now from New York and seeing Jimmy! It was so good to see him! It was weird at first, is that bad? who knows, life is good now.
So I rode up with Sarah which as fun because we haven't talked in a while, and I don't really have many people who I can talk ESL with here in PGH so that was refreshing (for the first 2 hrs at least) we also talked about our men, she was going up to see Timone (sp?). She was apprihensive about seeing him cause she had some heavy stuff that she wanted to talk about
*SIDE NOTE*
I'm at work and I just answered the phone, on the other end is a lady who was calling to talk to Debi (our PL cordinator) and she wanted to know if a sentence that she was sending with her resume (to another company) "sounded funny"... is that totally random or what?
*BACK TO REALITY*
so Sarah had some stuff she needed to talk to Timone about and she was pretty sure (84%) that this would end the relationship, which sucks cause she really.. and I mean really likes this one. but anyway we talked about that and how dating older guys is kinda strange and brings other factors into the relationship.
I am a scale person in relationships, the scales have to be even for me. and right now it's like he's giving and I'm just taking. I suck at this whole affirmation thing which is no good cause he's really big on that. I don't know.. and this is long and I could ramble on forever! so I won't say much more in this entry except that I hate the fact that I have commitment and trust problems and I'm not going to run from this one.

I love my Job!

I am having a GREAT SUMMER! the weather isn't very summery but oh well. I am loving my job. I am working at Fountain Park Presb. Church (check us out at www.fountainpc.com ) I am working as the children's ministry intern and I LOVE IT! it's a really relaxed job which is nice, right now I'm not wearing shoes or socks, I'm in jeans and a t-shirt and tomorrow I might wear sweats if I feel like it. How wonderful! The things that I am 'required' to do aren't a huge deal, they are things that I always wished people would pay me to do. Like wearing a toga and a large straw hat, or coloring for hours on end, or designing flyers and bulletin inserts. and most of all playing with kids! I Love my job!

YEAH FOR JESUS

I'm so happy and here's the reason why Jesus took my burden all away Now I'm singing as the days go by Jesus took my burden all away Once my heart which heavy With A load of sin But Jesus took the load And gave ME peace within Now I'm happy and that's the reason why Jesus took my burden all away.

Star Gazing

So these last few nights have been a blur (mostly because I am sooo tired) today I am playing 'catch-up' cause I am so behind in a majority of my classes. And it's not helping to be out till all hours of the night, last night I was going to go to bed early then I had to pick some stuff up for Jimmy and then give it to him and that turned into star gazing and that turned into talking that turned into a 2am ordeal. That's really what I wanted to write about. The stargazing. See we were in the field directly below the gazebo, just laying there looking at the stars and talking. and then all of the sudden Jimmy sat up and says 'who is that' apparently he saw a whole bunch of kids come out of no where and run to the gazebo. Then in a stroke of total strangness we hear this recorder playing 'Mary had a little lamb' and other assorted strange and unattached songs and laughing and jumping coming from the gazebo. It was totally strange, beyond belief almost. So we sat there for a little bit more and then we left. but they were still there we think. I don't know who they were we have our hunches but they are not proven so I won't incriminate anyone. So watch out for strange 'jam sessions' at 2am when you are gazing at the beautiful night sky this week.