I went to the nurse! and she speaks English!

So yesterday my mom almost talked me into going to the ER for my 'illness'; she did really well, I actually drove the entire way there and then chickened out and never went in... I figured my 'illness' wasn't an emergency and could wait until tomorrow to see the nurse. Our nurse here at Nyack isn't really a nurse, just a nurses assistant. and she doesn't really have the best English. So I went anyway.. when I got to the office door I was met with the sight of what appeared to me to be a fort... a whole bunch of boxes stacked up on top of oneanother to form a wall around the door. So I got through the little opening and realized why the 'fort' was built. The nurses office is flooded! and since they weren't open yesterday for MLK day the room smelled of mildew! gross... now i can add nauseous to my symptom list. So we 'talked' I understood about 48% of what she said.. (which is good). So she was going to refer me to a clinic so I could see a doctor. So she takes my blood pressure, which is low as always, health professionals never believe you about that sort of thing, it's like if you went to the mechanic and they asked you if your car is red and then had to go and look to make sure you know what red is.... (bad example I know but I'm on these great meds that make it ALL ok!) So then she took my temp. which I thought would be fine, but I guess I was working from comparison and i did have a fever, mild but there, of 100 degrees. So I went to the clinic.. my first time, kinda made me feel, I don't know how it made me feel, just strange.... and the nice doctor just gave me my perscription in samples from these kitchen cabnets they had in the back... don't worry I checked them out and they are what they say they are and they do what they say they do. So now I'm on the mend finally I hope... I should be better in a week or so... well off to try to eat something for the day.. I'm so sick of soup!

Is it cold in here?

So here's a quick update on my life so if fancy pants or my dad are reading they can be updated on what it going on...
**PS**
Fancy pants.. sorry I called you a girl, I guess I was mistaken...it was nice to meet you
**back**
So I am at school now.. working my tail end off.. I left at 4am to drive back here on Mon, that was nice, no traffic and I didn't feel like I had been traveling all day.. it took me about 61/2 hours to get here (it usually takes 7 or 8). Classes started yesterday, I am the only student in one of my classes, that's strange. and I found out that I'm going to be the only student in one of my other classes as well. Sooo.. I'm just getting TONS of one on one time with my profs. (yeah and all amounts of joy)
I am working at the Picture People still, about 28-30 hrs a week this semester. I also am working at this after school program JCCY (don't ask me what it stands for, one of the J's stands for Jewish I know that but that's where my knowledge stops) I love both jobs and suprisingly they don't take up all my time this semester... I have a GREAT schedule! I am also teaching again in Tappan my students are sooo sweet.. we moved class to Thurs. nights though so now I'm busy from 6:30-about 9pm on Thurs.
I am not dating anyone right now, I have a couple friends that give me my guy fix when I need some testasterone (totally spelled wrong). It's nice to have them around.
UMMMM... dad I think there was something else, another topic I was sopposed to update you on.. but I can't remember.. I'm on these great drugs for this sickness I have (please pray)

Things I Already Know

So I am updateing for the sake of killing some time. I have given up on the thought that anyone actually reads this.
Christmas..
for Christmas I got my digital camara, as soon as I figure how to get the pictures off the card and onto the computer and then onto the internet you will be able to see illustrations for this lovely blog!
The Day After...
For the day after Christmas we went to my gram Havener's to celebrate Christmas with that side of the family. In true Havener style we ate at Ponderosa. We are a party of 27 and we fit in the tinyest room ever we had to bring in chairs and roll our own silverware, it was an experiance. Then we went back to my Aunt Cindy's for presents and deserts. (I don't know why we don't just have deserts, then the whole thing would take less time) The presents are also kinda a practice in futility, No one gets anything they like, next year we should just exchange 5 dollars and have it over with. Really it was fun though, they are getting more normal as time goes on, there were only a few mishaps.
The Week After...
My Gram and Pap celebrated 50 years of blissful marriage on the 30th. We threw them a suprise party at the Cottage. We didn't know if we would be able to get them there because we couldn't tell them and they weren't making things easy. We told soo many lies, that my aunt from CA wasn't coming and then that my Aunt Danielle's family was haveing a party at the Cottage and they had to come (they declined that invite) and then that my aunt from CA was in and would she please get her butt to dinner with their family.. So they got there.
The Next Day..
At the suprise party we suprised my gram and pap by telling them that we were all coming to thier house the next day for my Lane family christmas. The lane family christmas is pretty good. The food is good. We get closepin cookies, and bean caserole, plus the people can be more normal (at times.) This year my Uncle Ronnie made swords for all the little kids, that was a stroke of genius. He also brought Fancy Pants (who is black and also who he believes to be a boy) (the black is right, the boy is not).

My sisters and I decided that we should at least get something out of this whole thing, we do both families each year. So we are going to publish the oddity of our families. It will be a reverse book, (one that you flip over and read something totally diff, kinda like the direction books that come in English and Chineese) The Havener document will be titiled, "WE'RE DRIVING REALLY SLOW" which comes from my father saying that to us when we got lost. (driving slow would not help, we were going in the opposite direction and were in the SalVal parking lot). The Lane Family's title is "WOULD ANYONE LIKE WATERMELLON:so would I" Which is my Pap's favorite thing to say when there is no watermellon but he offers anyway and puts you in the mood for it.

I really need to post more often so my posts aren't this long... oh well, like I said no one reads this.

I hate the MTA

So yesterday I was sopposed to go to see Chitti-Chitty-Bang-Bang with my buddy Dustin. But... I'll tell you the end, We never saw the musical, we drove to the city and never got out of the car, in fact we didn't do anything that we planned to do. So why may you ask did this all happen, and why do I hate the MTA in New York? well let me enlighten you. (I'm not bitter... you should just know that coming into this) :P so... the MTA is on strike, because of some benifits of somthing stupid like that, basically from what I gather, they are getting benifits that were needed 40 yrs ago but are irrelevent now and so the Gov. is cutting them out of the new workers pkgs. So they are on strike. now about the musical (The MTA will tie in here in a bit) so we left a little later than we had planned because we decieded to do lunch at his place instead of in the city... hey we are both poor, and the food was prolly better. So we left with about 2 hrs to play with, and those two hours didn't include the 45 min that we planned on being in the theater before the musical started. So really we had 2 hrs and 45 min to drive into Manhattan on a Tues night and park and walk the 4 city blocks to the theater. Not a problem. Except for the MTA strike. See when they went on strike they stopped everything that runs into the city, buses, trains, and even some roads. So basically to get in you have to drive, traffic was heavier than a reg. tues night but not bad... we got in in about 45 min. So then we were trying to find this parking garage, because again we are poor and can't afford to park in downtown Manhattan without a cupon (which we had for this particular garage)
*Sillyness engulfs me*
I'm at Dustin's right now and Pablo (his roomie) is singing at the top of his lungs, I don't think he knows I am here... he's not bad but really funny (especially when he wails to the music)
*back to the rant*
So the garage is on 5th and 43rd, we got there and they have closed down 5th ave!! who does that!! (because they were picketing in Grand Central) so finally we talked to this one nice cop and he let us "illegally" go down 5th to get to where we needed to go... this is now about 30 min before the show is sopposed to start... we were both frustrated from driving around for about an hour and a half. .. so we get to the garage that we think it is.. and its the wrong one, the one we wanted was a little up 5th the other direction... so we finaly just left the city.. :( but don't worry our night was not totally ruined until he told me that his disorganized facade was just that and that he really had reservations at some really nice resturant for after the show and that we were going to see the tree and all this stuff... and I was soo upset.. so we went to the mall for dinner and go cheesecake from the cheesecake factory and a musical on DVD (My Fair Lady) and we went back to his place and just chilled.. basically it was a good night.. I mean it wasn't anything that we expected it to be. but... it's all relative... I did get to see a heck of a lot of the city when we were driving around and I got to see a musical, even if is was just on his screen while I sat on the couch. but really I cant complain.. a great time was had by all..... I hate the MTA... if you work for them, you ruined my wonderful evening and the best christmas present I would have gotten this year... so there!!!

Just an update

Procrastination to Hit All Time High
With finals around the corner and upon me, I can use all the prayer that you can give. My toughest final is tonight at 6pm, it's my Methods final so wish me luck and toss up a prayer.. other than that, finals are going swimmingly.

Hispanic Community Outraged
For my Spanish final today I had to know the parts of a car. I am a firm believer that if I am in a foreign country AND if I have a car AND if that car breaks and needs fixed; I am not below pointing and making noises to get my point accross. I am a believer that not even most hispanic women know some of these car parts.. I don't know most of them in English.. It's an outrage.

Country Girl to Return to Mars
Not by space travel but I will be going home in about a week and a half. (I will get home on the 22nd late). I can't wait to get home and see everyone, whom I miss (a little).

Postal Service on Strike
I hope they are and that explains the disappearance of my homemade study pack (including two randomly added, non packaged tea bags) It's no where to be found and Roberto can't find it or make it appear although he is amazing!

Amazing Grace

"Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound, That saved a wretch like me....I once was lost but now am found,Was blind, but now, I see.

T'was Grace that taught...my heart to fear.And Grace, my fears relieved.How precious did that Grace appear...the hour I first believed.

Through many dangers, toils and snares...we have already come.T'was Grace that brought us safe thus far...and Grace will lead us home.

The Lord has promised good to me...His word my hope secures.He will my shield and portion be...as long as life endures.

When we've been here ten thousand years...bright shining as the sun.We've no less days to sing God's praise...then when we've first begun.

"Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound, That saved a wretch like me....I once was lost but now am found,Was blind, but now, I see.

Amazing Grace

I was sitting in Chapel on Mon. and I had a 'moment' an ephany if you may. So I thought I'd share it here:
You can't fully understand the impact of that line in 'Amazing Grace' untill you have felt the fear that the grace of your salvation can bring upon your heart. But being a believer I know that the grace of my salvation can releive that fear- fear of what I'm not sure maybe it's fear of being discovered in your sins, maybe a fear of seperation form Christ. Whatever that fear is it is real and it is strong and it is lousy
Your grace is amazing! amazing that you would still love see me, a sinner. That you would still love me, even though I am a sinner. God-it is unthinkable that you would forgive me of the unforgivable- you deserve all the glory and honor that a sinner such as I can give. God pleas remember me ... as the sinner on the cross pled with you.. remember me in the face of your Father. Remember me and don't let me stray too far from your throne. Father bring me back... love on me. mend me as only you can.

Just don't ask

Just thought I should make it public knowledge that Jimmy and I are no longer seeing eachother or even talking, per his request. SO incase you see me and want to ask about how he's doing or anything like that ... don't, cause I don't know, I don't have his phone number, I don't know his email (that's a lie) I don't talk to him, his sister, his mother, his grandmother or Joe for that matter. So don't ask, and if you want to, don't. and don't start your sentence like "I know you two broke up but..." or "I know you prolly don't know, but how it Jimmy doing?" you would be right with the last one, I wouldn't know. So don't ask, and if you meet someone who should know this, pass it along, in fact pass it along to everyone you know, cause I don't know how Jimmy is doing and I'm sick of having to tell people that. Just don't ask.

Just cause I should

This post is just cause I should
-just cause I should be studying
-just cause I should write in this blog every once in a while
-just cause I should be studying (did I mention that already I really should be)
-just cause I should write in here so my mom can know what's going on with me
-just cause I should no be eating junk food while I am doing this
-just cause I should be going to the gym tomorrow
-just cause I should be packing my stuff to move out
-just cause I should be thinking about how my GPA is going to drop due to this semester
-just cause I should be wondering how I am going to go 2 more weeks without seeing my Alex
-just cause I should be studying (did I mention that already?)
This is a post just cause I should post and get back to life as I know it, just cause I should

Make New Friends But Keep the Old

I just got the sweetest letter from a dear friend, well I don't know if I could call her a friend. She was by 6th and 7th grade English teacher.
I was thinking about her the other day and how much she had impacted me. How I wouldn't be studying what I am here at Nyack if it weren't for her. So I dropped her a line, nothing fancy just a quick update on where I was and what I was studying and a thank you for her dedication to the profession. So I sent it and didn't think another thing about it till today when I went to my mailbox and there was a LETTER!! (hint: by the excitement I get over letters you can see that I love getting them and I don't get them often, Drop me a line whenever!) The letter was from Mrs. Pringle! She was so grateful for the letter, that she wrote one of her own, although it was nothing spectacular, it was mail and the gesture was much appriciated! She is so sweet. Yeah for old friends from forgotten places... I miss you Forest Hills!

I Passed

I PASSED!! 256 on my ATSW!! I can still be a teacher in New York if I want to be!

The eX factor

I love ex-boyfriends. Today seems to be the day for them. I was thinking about Jimmy the other day and just wondering what he was up to and all that jazz... not pineing over him or wondering because there are any strong feelings there.. (There aren't) But just cause he's my friend and I haven't talked to him in a long time. So I was thinking about IMing him so that if he wanted to continue not talking, he could just ignore it. But if, on an off chance, he decieded that he wanted to talk, he could respond. So I got online this morning and he was away.. so I sat there checking every so often (more often than I'll admit) to see if he was back. Then I finally gave up and started picking up my room (which is a disaster!) and I heard the little noise that says someone loves me and is talking to me.. and guess who it was... Jimmy... really strange huh.. well then we talked and it wasn't like the other times we talked, he wasn't pushing an agenda, he wasn't trying to 'win me back'. It was just two friends catching up on what they had missed in the last month and a half.
**SIDE NOTE**
I realized how boring of a life I lead.. first of all I haven't had anything new to write in here in a loong time. I keep thinking, 'I should update that but I dont have anything to write.' I didn't have anything new to tell Jimmy when he asked what I had been up to.. how lame is my life
**Coming back to me**
So Jimmy and I talked, then tonight I was playing scrabble with Dustin, and his brother Jeremy and Mandi. It was fun, Mandi was really tired and Jeremy was a little on the way to being drunk but other than that, scrabble was fun. So the was ex number 2 and now I'm talking to Jason. ex number 3, and really I dont know if I can count him as an ex. we were so young.. and stupid. So anyway.. it just seems like I am destined to keep in touch with the guys I date. I dont't have a problem with that, but mostly they do.. at first then they realize that we had a great friendship and that it's worth it to try to keep that going..
so there you have it.. don't jump down my throat for talking to Jimmy, I know you want to but.. well it's my life and really I'm glad to be back in contact with him. he's a great friend.

Mandi's 21st Birthday

Most people spend their 21st at a bar or at least out having fun. Well mandi and I decided that since we didn't get to go thrift shopping together before, we would go on her birthday (Wed.) sound like fun huh? So we set out with our (what we thought then) good directions and our full tank of gas. We were going to two different thrift shops. One in Pearl River and one in White Plains... a little far we knew but for a 21st anything right? Well we got lost when our directions turned out to be wrong (but only at the last part), so we got directions from this church and when we got there it was kinda a bust except that we got these really cool classics. They had a GREAT book selection (we'll have to go when you come up sisters)! So then we were going to go to the one in White Plains. And again our directions weren't the best (but only at the end) and so we were lost and Mandi got out to ask directions and we found out that North Broadway was the other way so we turned around ( with some difficulty). And then we were looking for 39 N. Broadway and we saw signs for 12 N. Broadway and then 13 N. Broadway and so on till about 20 N. Broadway then the next one was 44 N. Broadway, don't ask me how but it was. So finally after asking directions from a very unhelpful traffic cop we found the place and Mandi couldn't find her wallet it must have fallen out when we stopped to ask directions so we went back and it was there, with all her money only her Subway card was missing (not really but we thought it would have been funny) So we go back to the Thrift Store and we find out that its only open on Tues from 10-4! AGHHH .. so we get back in the car and try to go home, after some more bad direction (these coming from the Birthday Girl) we were on our way home... laughing all the way.. Mandi and I are adventured out for now I think, but tomorrow is a new weekend, we were thinking maybe this time we'll tackle the city! it could be fun :)

The Events That Followed

So as afore mentioned I went to my roommates house this weekend for "Fall Break". We did a TON of stuff, like 'doing wood'. It rained a lot so we didn't do much wood but I got to fill the cart once and help unload it into the basement, it was an experiance to say the least and I decieded I will never heat my house with wood. We also played this game, Pit. It was totally fun and loud and I decieded I am going to have to get it so we can play sometime up here at school. it wasn't quite as loud untill Kelly came home and Kyle stopped by... they add to the fun! We also played scrabble with TJ and Megan. it was possiably the best game of scrabble that I have ever played (not that I play often) even though we own the game now. Megan's famous word that is still stuck in my head. IDODOLO- the cousin to the DODO bird. (no we didn't let her play it) We also ate dougnuts off a sting, there are pictures which you will never see cause I look totally stupid! Then on the way home we had sooo much fun. Well at first it wasn't. The plan was to go to a thrift shop on the way home so we left in plenty of time and got there but as we are walking toward the store Mandi realizes she still has her dad's keys in her pocket and we scrapped that and had to go home to take the keys back. So we decided with the little time we had extra we would stop at any random point on the road trip to take a crazy picture. (if my web-master would show me how to publish pic you could see them *Stasi*) We took ones with pigs and a campaign sign that says I LIKE MIKE FLANAGAN! (if you live in Greene vote for Mike for me, I love his signs!) and we took ones next to a rhinosarus and did I mention the real live pigs and the bicikle tied to a sign and Mandi climbing the tree in her bare feet (or trying to at least).. we had so much fun.. I'm sure I am forgetting something but such is life... and now I must return to it so I can study for this exam in Spanish! YEAH!

The Starting Line-up

This past weekend was our fall break, if you can call it that. (we had Mon off until 6pm! o goody) So I went upstate to Mandi's. She lives in the middle of nowhere and they have a barn and a pond and they tap trees to make syrup and they heat their house with wood, that they chop and store themselves! they are really amazing people to me. I got to see her dad again, he is wonderful! like a little Larry Poston. and Emily, her sister who is such a doll, we stayed in her room even though she was sick... she's such a doll (agian) And I got to meet a whole slew of people from her other family. TJ her brother who is getting married and good thing otherwise I would try to steal him (still might) Really I'm just kidding cause I got to meet his fiance and she is soooo sweet and soooo pretty and has such a gentle spirit. they are so cute together! I hope I am that cute with my fiance when I get afianced! I went with Megan (TJ's fiance) to get her dress fitted and that was fun, it is gorgeous and Mandi and Emily got their bridesmaids dresses which looked wonderful on them. Also this past weekend I got to meed Mandi's step-mom, Donna, she's such a homemaker and loves haveing company which is evident by her hospitality toward me. She recently broke her ankle by falling down some stairs at work, so she was just getting up and about. I also got to meet Kelly, Mandi's stepsister who was so pretty and... I guess strong-willed would describe her best. And her brother Kyle, who looks a lot younger than he is I guess (I never really got an age on him) He is ... loud and has a great sence of humor. OH and unexpectedly I got to meet her cousins, or second cousins or something like that. Rebecca and Elis. They used to live in Colorado but then they decided they were having a mid-life-crisis together so they quit their jobs and roadtripped across the states to NY and are now bunking with Mandi's parents till they decide where they want to be. (a little crazy I think but to each his own). So that's it as far as family. I also got to meet Jenny and Tom who are good friends of Mandi's, they are sweet, Jenny is just like mandi (almost) and tom is a sweetheart, and good at small talk which we made a lot of as Mandi and Jenny caught up with eachother. I met Platta who is her swim coach from HS and loved him from the start! So that's it for the new people I met this weekend the next thing will be to tell you what we did now that you know the characters.

Just some news

To Take HUGE Test in Near Future
I will be taking my ATS-W the second of three certification tests this weekend (Sat at 1pm to be exact if you wanna pray for me) Much prayer is needed. I need to pass this to stay on track with the plans I am making regarding my student teaching and such. I will be taking my CST in the Spring. (updates: scores to follow in a few months)

Small Time Girl to Becomes Heavy Lifter
Rachel and Mandi and I have been going to the gym for the last two weeks (and loving it). We are going to begin lifting on Wed. mornings... if you would like to join us ever we leave Christie around 6:20am, give us a call.

Homesickness Epidemic has Reached Epic Proportions
I am beginning to feel homesick (something I've been fighting for the last few days) I am looking forward to coming home in Nov. for a while for Thanksgiving. (key words there: *A While*)

Trip to Green Is On
Hoping to have my picture taken in the beautiful town of Green by their tree and their founders statue (again I would like to post some pics of it all for you but my web coordinator hasn't set that up yet) (*staz*). But there will be verbal descriptions to follow. I love that I'm from Mars and Mandi is from Green. We make quite a pair.

Seperation Anxiety to be Felt Throughout the US
My roomate is leaving me to go live in seclusion as a monk for a semester in Mexico. Ok that's a little dramatic but it couldn't be worse. I am already missing her. Please pray that we both accept this new venture with great ease.

Who knew?

WHO KNEW:
1 that really out of shape people can run 2 miles three days in a row under 20 min. (Yeah for out of shape me!)
2 The craving for chocolate can become so bad that it goes in the opposite direction and you detest the sight or smell of the stuff (I hate boys)
3 Talking to your ex boyfriend(s) can be theropudic on a bad day
4 Who knows how to spell theropudic
5 Roommates can gett annoyed by you and not even tell you till life really sucks then all the sudden they get chatty
6 I love my roomate because she's beautiful
7 That I can only think of 7 who knews on this horrablly awful day

The New Me

I'm taking up coffee and early morning running, I'm becoming a new person! (the exclamation is not an expression of joy, even though that's what it always means when you see one, but grammatically it doesn't have to be about joy, it could just be about astonishment or revelation, that's what this one is about) I am becoming a new person, one who runs at 7am, and drinks coffee afterwards and one who is married to her work (not my school work though so it's really not as good a thing as you think it might be) and I'm becoming one of those people who updates their blog everyday (or close to it) becaue they have noone else to talk to except themselves, I dont think that's my problem, I just have words stuck inside of me that can't get out no matter how hard I try to get rid of them they only just change languages or grow bigger! (again astonishment) I don't know what to do except blow them onto this screen and out into the world, hopeing against all hope that they will eventually find a place to be and they will stay there and stop tomenting me.... I'm becoming a new person

random

I'm taking up coffee

On the right track (an update)

I've been reflecting on life lately and this is not a reflection but an update...
I am doing well here at Nyack, I am loving my work, my new manager is tons of fun, well my Sr at least, Wendy I'm not sure of yet cause we never work together EVER, she only works with Miguel and some of us think there may be something going on.. but noone can prove anything so we are just thinking they are really good family friends. I have gotten to hang out with Nathalie (or other Asst. Mngr) she is amazing, she's a Hatian immigrant who has been here a little over a year. She has done amazing things with her life. She studied law in Haiti and then worked as an English teacher (now you know why we get along so well) and interpreter Then she moved to the US and sold shoes (what a step back huh?) but she didn't see it as a step back, her enthusiasm for life is the most amazing thing. She lives in one bedroom apt. with her Aunt and her kids and her mother. How crowded, no wonder she likes coming to work. So that has been rewarding.. pray for her, her view on Chrisitanity is very bleak because of past experiance.
My classes are going ok. They are classes what is there to say, I have my first Bib. Doct. Exam... everyone is freaking out about it but it's really not gonna be that hard (I don't think) ANYWAY.. I should go study for it in the last 15 min I have so have a great day, I'm on track for one...

Life

It doesn't suck, its just blah. Do you ever have days like that.. when you really wish you could call your exboyfriend because he was such a good listener, and you just want to talk to your mom but you aren't getting along right now for some reason that noone can figure out and your Spanish pronunciation is going to the pigs. None of it is life shattering however none of it makes for the best day... So that's where I'm at, just life, not that it sucks or that it's wonderful but just that it is.
Like I said, I don't know why I don't feel like talking to my mom, we have a great relationship and I can always tell her everything (even when it gets me in trouble for telling her). It's just that lately I just want to talk to her not as a mom but as a friend, who understands what I'm going through and I know she wouldn't agree with how my life is being run right now but really it's my life and while I appriciate her input, I think it's time I make some mistakes. That doesn't make much sense since if I know they are mistakes why would I choose to do them? well that's a good question... maybe because I can and maybe because I just want to do something for once that they don't approve of or have a say over...
*aren't you sopposed to rebel against your parents when you are living with them?*
I don't know what I'm doing with my life. This morning I was thinking about goals and what my goals are for this year and sadly I don't have any... just finish out one more year and maybe bring up my GPA a little and not fight everytime I see my parents. Those are the lamest goals I have ever seen and the really sad thing is... they are mine.. this is my life, not good, not bad, not quite ugly but just LIFE.

Wet tshirt contest

This isn't funny God... today it wasn't sopposed to rain, it was a good day and still is but I just didn't want to have it rain on me in my thin little white tshirt... yuck.. and then I had to walk back across the entire campus in my see-through shirt to my dorm to change and now I'm typing to you.. I guess it could have been worse.. but who knows... Anyway.. today is a great day.. everyone I have talked to agrees... even my sister Stasi.. I think, I talked to her before she worked all day watching someone elses children and I haven't been to work but hopefully things will go well.. I had yesterday off and that was nice.. I took a 3 hr nap (no more than that Mandi). it was delightful! and than Steph called and we decided to do something which turned into a hunt for the New York Times for Justin so we could borrow one of his DVD's ... good times.. well I'm gonna change and go to dinner.. maybe the food will be good.. now I'm being way to opptomistic.

life sucks

life isn't easy, a lot of time you have to make decisions that you don't want to make. Life isn't fair, you rarely ever get your way. Life isn't always fun, sometimes you have to be an adult. Life sucks.

here's to the single life

I've never been so misirably blissful, I just burst into tears for no reason, well there usually is a reason but it's not that real reason cause I don't know what the real reason is. I'm an emotional train wreck and I can't take it. Jimmy and I brok up (my choice).. and that doesn't mean that I don't care about him or that I never want to see him again but I feel like me keeping in touch is killing him slowly and he's too pridful to say anything. I know sometimes when we get off the phone I cry, I can't put a finger on why or what caused it but I just feel like a part of me is missing. I hear that normal when you give peices of yourself to someone and then that someone dies, that's what's sopposed to happen, not that you arne't together anymore, they are sopposed to die, not that I would ever want Jimmy to die! I would NOT be able to handle that if he did. So I'm glad that he's not dead (beyond glad) but really I guess you are sopposed to get a commitment and have a commitment to someone before you give your heart away.
*note to self*
remember to look ahead before jumping in with both feet
*back to the ramble*
I just don't know what to do and he thinks I have all these people who are supporting me and lifting me up when I cry and all these people who I can call anytime I want to and I prolly do have a number of people like that. but I'm to 'hold it together' to call them. (most of them) I just had an episode and I picked up my phone and I needed to talk to someone and I couodn't think of one person, so I called my sister, who didn't answer her phone (when I needed her the most *guilt trip*) and so than I had no one. I tried my other sister who also has a life and wouldn't take my call... so that's it, two people who I'm related to so they have to love me and accept me and they can't even help and I guess I could call someone else but I don't want to get into it with anyone here, they are all concerned with how I feel and they will keep asking me when really I just need someone to talk me down off this ledge and get me sane and then never mention it again... and in all this stupid me thought I could reconnect with my ex... whoa Abi, where was my support then, nowhere apparently, I'm not ready for that. I can't handle getting over Jimmy and getting over him at the same time, not that I'm not over him, I am but really it's like reliving everything all over again and I don't want to have to deal with that, maybe that's what God is trying to tell me that I need to just get over things all at once, like a crash course. who knows. I need to do some school work, maybe I'll catch you up later, just to clarify, Jimmy and I are over as are Dustin and I. I have no desire to date anyone for a very long time, even if the new guy is really nice, I'm honestly thinking of just being single for the rest of my life, but part of me still wants to go on dates and be treated like a princess and be able to do it on my own time and all that jazz which is never gonna happen cause that's not the way the world works. so here's to the single life. (I know this is confussing but if I didn't put it out there I wouldn't ever and it's really just thoughts as they run through my head they aren't concrete and no decisions, mine or yours should be made based on them they'll prolly change tomorrow, so here I am.. AGH

amily and other random rambles

so here goes, I went to see Jimmy this weekend, we were going to go to his church on Sun so he came out and got me Sat. night so we didn't have to get up crazy early on Sun.
lets start with church, his church was relatively normal, a little more contemporary than Mars Alliance but not soo out there you want to run for the hills, he told me that it was very likely that there would be congrigational speaking in tounges, which I don't agree with and I told him so, but it turns out we misunderstood eachother. I thought he ment that the pastor would announce it like "now we will speak in tounges to the Lord". That I don't agree with but what he did mean was that some people in his congrigation speak in tounges when they worship. so you see conflict avoided, YEAH. But not really, see he had talked to his pastor and told him God knows what about me and my spiritual background so his pastor pulls me aside before the service and starts to tell me all about how prayer is improtant and how we need to be praying about national matters and some other things, and it came off as very condicending and I just wanted to stop him and say "Really I do believe in Jesus". So I just listened and nodded my way through it believeing it had something to do with what Jimmy had told him about me but all the same resenting it kind of. So then I told Jimmy or rather asked him what he had told him and explained how things had come off to me and so Jimmy and I are talking outside the church and Jimmy's pastor comes out and asks if everything is ok and Jimmy chimes right in and tells him how I feel offended and all this stuff, which I understand why, because I didn't communicate my thoughts very well and the fact that I know the pastor didn't mean to come off that way and that his heart was in the right place but I didn't get to that, so now it's akward between the pastor and me before the service, he appologized (which wasn't necessary). other than that the church thing went off without a hitch
The next event was meeting his family, which I was nervious about, he is Italian and has strong roots there so family is huge to him and not so much to me so I was going ot meet some people before the BIG family *reunion* which we are calling a party cause it's not as scary to me. so I met Sam at church he really helped me not feel so akward *that's Sam* and Marian his fiance or girlfriend or something like that and I already knew Rachel and Jen and Joey, I also met his aunt Lisa and his Uncle Mike, they are all sweet, a little overwhelming but all in all I think it went well. There are some things there that I don't exactly want in my family but we will see, first impressions can be misplaced.
THEN the final event was a walk on the beach and Trivial Persuit with Sam and Marian, Rachel and Jen and Jimmy and me. Well between the walk on the beach and the game my allergies caught up with me from his aunt's dog. so I took this benadryl which knocked me out, like can't-see-straight-to walk-in-a-straight-line-without-faltering loopy. I ended us spending the night (n what a night it was) so all in all my Labor day weekend was great... a new adventure everyday. and now on actual labor day I must get to class....

life is funny

so today is ok, I am doing fine and dandy. lately it's been rough what with my boyfriend and all, adjusting to being in the same state is more difficult than I thought it would be. so I'm just dealing. Yesterday we decided to go to his house in Queens for dinner (at around 7pm mind you) So we get there and eat and then they turn out the lights and bring in this cake with candles and stuff and Im totally clueless and as I looked around the table everyone else did too. Then we started singing 'Happy Birthday' (I still don't think anyone knew whoes birthday we were celebrating) turns out they were singing for his mother whoes birthday was a month ago.. go figure. Then we hung out and didn't come back to Nyack till around 2am, (sorry honey no more late nights like that). I was ok though cause my morning class was canceled and my first one wasn't till around 11am but Rachel, I love her. Came and got me up for our 9am class (that was canceled!) Oh my... so Im tired and missing home and all that jazz. So drop me a line up here at school if you want the addy is
One South Blvd Nyack NY 10960 I love to get mail!
So that' s pretty much it... reconnecting and all that junk, life is good and crazy already and I haven't started work yet (start on Tues) Let ya know how that goes....

I QUIT!

I don't want to go back, not because I don't want to see everyone. I just have so much anxiety about going back and I don't know what it is all about. I know that I just don't want to go back. pure and simple, but I promised God I would do everything to the best of my ability so here I am packing up my life again and moving to NY for a couple months, I am just done with school, I guess, I don't know how people do it for 7 yrs and more.. I couldn't already I feel like dropping out and just doing what I'm soposed to be doing working for the Lord teaching English to others so they can function in not only their small communities but also on a global scale.
today I am doing paperwork so if you have a min and want to call feel free, I would enjoy the distraction.. I have a ton of stuff that I haven't done cause I've been everyones mother for the summer (in fact right now I'm buying my younger sister's books for college cause she can't figure out how to do it herself) AGGGHHHHhh I'm so unhappy with what my life has become. I'm moving to Hondoras and living in a grass hut, you can't talk me out of it *but I would enjoy the call.....

I am finally UNpacked

so I'm almost entirely unpacked from college... I know it's time to go back and all but I never unpacked, and my dad covered my stuff in sawdust.. so laundry it is. This is pathetic but such is life... I go back on Sun! yeah I don't want to go back to school but I do... such is the life of a college student but I will get there and it will be good to be back..

Is it all about me?

Am I self absorbed? sometimes I step back and I look at the way I treat people and I start to obsess over being nicer to them and I start to think to myself 'self' I say 'am I self-centered' and I can't respond any other way than 'yes' because I have begun relying on myself for reassurance that I'm not toally self centered.. what do you think?

Hey Burrito!

Hey burrito, hey hey hey burrito, umm yeah burrito yeah, taco bell taco bell, guakamole cinnimon twist! *random spiriting*
I told you I was going to be a cheerleader this week! and that's my first chant. isn't it great, I am going to kill Anna who is the cheerleading coach for teaching them that chant and getting it stuck in my head! AHHhh..
I am having fun though, I have a group of 8 girls all of whom are 6yr. except one who is 4yr. They are a riot and I don't know many of them so I'm getting to know new kids which is always fun!
CJ and Rich whoes names I couldn't remember before are so fun, they are just quarky. CJ is the soccer coach and Rich is the head coach, watch out for the game of pilots and gunners they will play on Thursday, it's violent and sometimes deadly to small children.
Matt and Heather are the other two and they are fun, I still havent figured Heather out yet but I guess I will eventually, maybe there's nothing to figure out there. and Matt is a sweetheart, so helpful all the time. He's a real blessing. So overall this week is going well, keep praying for no rain! it passed us yesterday and I hope it does the same today!
I am now doing Ami's graduation announcments and planning her party, I'm not the one graduating so I think I should get a cut of the profit, what do you think? (totally kidding)

Whoa was an understatement

KidZCamp was wonderful and over finally.. not that I didn't enjoy it; just that it wasn't the smoothest thing I've ever done. Today we took over the worship service with our 'little orange selves' (as Jill calls us). We had to wear these orange shirts all week, there was much laundry. So it wasn't the most evangelistic event I've ever been a part of and I'm not sure yet how I feel about that. They seemed to worry more about looking good and haveing fun than they did about the kids learning about God and growing closer to him which is not what I think Children's ministry should be.
This week we are starting a Sportz Camp at the church. same place, some of the same kids, and a ton of new things to add to my 'to do list'. We also get to wear these really strange yellow shirts, (we went from orange to yellow I feel like I am working construction). And don't worry we have to wear them everyday! at least it cuts down on the amount of time I have take getting ready in the morning. We met the people we are running the camp (they are called uncharted waters and they have a really fun ministry) They are great fun, sarcastic just like we are, which makes things easy. And they are exciting and cute too. They seem to have the whole package. So this week I get to go from Serengeti Trek to Cheerleading coach. Wish me luck!

Whoa!

Today started KidZCamp (otherwise known as "VBS") at Fountain Park Church. We have it at the community center because there isn't enough room in our Office Building(otherwise known as "Church). It was fun. Anne and I left ALOT till the last min. I could have been up till about 4am this morning trying to get ready for just Monday. But instead I went to bed; which was good cause I got good sleep and was ready to deal with the kids. I just finished the Bible Books which we needed for today but never got printed.. yuck, so much to do and so little time. I guess that's what I learned. "Don't let things go till the last min." But then again I have 'learned' that eight-thousand times.
In other news. Jummy came and we had a great weekend... did I write about this already.. well if I did oh well. We had a marvolus time! and I didn't want to see him go.. neither did the airline and I got to keep him one extra day! YAY! He decided that Pittsburgh wasn't a dirty run-down place after all and that it was quite pretty and livabe.
I have fallen in love you should just all know that. I am totally in love with the kids at KidZCamp. I can't wait to go back tomorrow. It's like getting to be a glorified kid all over again except you have to worry about audio cables, crew bags, bleeding children, unprinted Bible Books, dirty fingers at snack time, running out of string for nametags so the kids have to wear them as chokers and band members with big heads. I love it!

just a random update on me!

So I am here at work just biding my time till 4:00 rolls around so I can go home. I finished all of my work but this week I have to keep hours cause Dar isn't here. (it's not all that bad) so I'm writing in my blog and hopeing that when I'm done it will be 4:00.
So here is just an update on my life
FAMILY:
Life is good in the Havener house, we are all home except Stasi who is off this week doing more training for Slovakia.
Alex and Ami can't be left in a room together for more than 13min. which will be fun to see cause she's had him all day!
Matt (our marine) is home this week and next week which is fun. He came over to see Alex last night, they are so cute together.
Amanda is planing on spending the summer at my Grandparents in Ebensburg just for an adventure, I wish her all the luck in the world and hope she returns home sane.
Mom is losing weight like CRAZY! it's so good, Best of luck to her too.
Father isn't losing weight and he can't pull his hair back yet so we aren't cutting it, I sugessested yesterday that we pay for a 'father's day makeover' he didn't go for it.. we'll hatch another plan soon to get rid of the hair.
FRIENDS:
If you are reading this than you don't see me enough and you should give me a call.
Meg is in Pittsburgh this summer!! YEAH! it's good to be reunited with your matching soul even if it's just for a while!
It's good seeing my girls, Tosh and Jen and Amanda and Cara! yeah! We went to see 'The Taveling Pants' and we couldn 't decide who would be whom from the movie. If you have any thoughts let me know..well I'll go now it's way later than 4:00 and my sis is leaving me from talking on the phone!
love ya all! (drop me a comment I'm beginning to feel left unread and unloved!)

just a thought in song

So here I am.
open and broken
beaten and battered
by the waves that washed me to this dark shore

I don't know how I got here
or when I will leave
but one thing I know for sure

when I am alone
and when I am scared
I reach out to you
and you take my hand

and you say

I've got you baby
from the moment you were born
from the first breath to the last
know that I'm here
to hold you safe in my arms

to keep you from danger
to protect you from harm

know that I will be here
that I am here
in the midst of your storm

baby I've got you

Lord I am yours

Home again Home again

Home now from New York and seeing Jimmy! It was so good to see him! It was weird at first, is that bad? who knows, life is good now.
So I rode up with Sarah which as fun because we haven't talked in a while, and I don't really have many people who I can talk ESL with here in PGH so that was refreshing (for the first 2 hrs at least) we also talked about our men, she was going up to see Timone (sp?). She was apprihensive about seeing him cause she had some heavy stuff that she wanted to talk about
*SIDE NOTE*
I'm at work and I just answered the phone, on the other end is a lady who was calling to talk to Debi (our PL cordinator) and she wanted to know if a sentence that she was sending with her resume (to another company) "sounded funny"... is that totally random or what?
*BACK TO REALITY*
so Sarah had some stuff she needed to talk to Timone about and she was pretty sure (84%) that this would end the relationship, which sucks cause she really.. and I mean really likes this one. but anyway we talked about that and how dating older guys is kinda strange and brings other factors into the relationship.
I am a scale person in relationships, the scales have to be even for me. and right now it's like he's giving and I'm just taking. I suck at this whole affirmation thing which is no good cause he's really big on that. I don't know.. and this is long and I could ramble on forever! so I won't say much more in this entry except that I hate the fact that I have commitment and trust problems and I'm not going to run from this one.

I love my Job!

I am having a GREAT SUMMER! the weather isn't very summery but oh well. I am loving my job. I am working at Fountain Park Presb. Church (check us out at www.fountainpc.com ) I am working as the children's ministry intern and I LOVE IT! it's a really relaxed job which is nice, right now I'm not wearing shoes or socks, I'm in jeans and a t-shirt and tomorrow I might wear sweats if I feel like it. How wonderful! The things that I am 'required' to do aren't a huge deal, they are things that I always wished people would pay me to do. Like wearing a toga and a large straw hat, or coloring for hours on end, or designing flyers and bulletin inserts. and most of all playing with kids! I Love my job!

YEAH FOR JESUS

I'm so happy and here's the reason why Jesus took my burden all away Now I'm singing as the days go by Jesus took my burden all away Once my heart which heavy With A load of sin But Jesus took the load And gave ME peace within Now I'm happy and that's the reason why Jesus took my burden all away.

Star Gazing

So these last few nights have been a blur (mostly because I am sooo tired) today I am playing 'catch-up' cause I am so behind in a majority of my classes. And it's not helping to be out till all hours of the night, last night I was going to go to bed early then I had to pick some stuff up for Jimmy and then give it to him and that turned into star gazing and that turned into talking that turned into a 2am ordeal. That's really what I wanted to write about. The stargazing. See we were in the field directly below the gazebo, just laying there looking at the stars and talking. and then all of the sudden Jimmy sat up and says 'who is that' apparently he saw a whole bunch of kids come out of no where and run to the gazebo. Then in a stroke of total strangness we hear this recorder playing 'Mary had a little lamb' and other assorted strange and unattached songs and laughing and jumping coming from the gazebo. It was totally strange, beyond belief almost. So we sat there for a little bit more and then we left. but they were still there we think. I don't know who they were we have our hunches but they are not proven so I won't incriminate anyone. So watch out for strange 'jam sessions' at 2am when you are gazing at the beautiful night sky this week.

An Adventure for Sure

So these last few days I have gotten to know this guy Jimmy. He's pretty special and I'm really glad that we finally connected. Most of our conversations have been at night (after about 10:30) as we walk around Nyack. These walks have been amazing first because he is there but second because it's ALWAYS and adventre. Two nights ago for example we decided to walk into downtown Nyack and go to the pier over the Hudson. As we were walking back around 12:30 at night this guy on a bike was following us. Jimmy started to get paranoid, I thought he was overreacting but then in the end he prolly wasn't. So this guy on a bike is matching our pace and following us on the other side of the street. So we decide to go to this gas station instead of going up the deserted street that leads to the school. So the guy follows us to the gas station and parks his bike and gets off but never comes in and when we go out after about a min. he's gone. Like I said its always an adventure! Last night was no different. We were walking and then we decided to go over the bridge over the thruway and watch the cars going under us. (he says I'm a cheap date, prolly true) Then we crossed the bridge and walked down this road trying to get to the river but then we hit a dead end and decided to go back. So we made a wrong turn and eventually ended up at the Tappan Zee bridge! that's not so close to the school so we finally got on 9W and headed in the right direction toward the school. I thought the adventure was over but no. We ended up walking around the neighborhood around the school where we knew where we were and how to get back. There is this nice wall about oh 1/2 mile or more from the school and we went there to sit and chat. So then we decided that it was about 3 am so we should get back to school. So as we are walking back. this SUV comes towards us and passes us and stops and this huge black guy gets out and starts calling to us to 'slow up' and 'wait' and 'stop. AHHHH the thoughts that were going through my mind were not that great. Jimmy was telling me afterward that he was thinking 'what of value did he have on him' and 'what if he goes for Abi. I could die' so that's where we were at. and this guys girlfriend gets out and starts chasing after him so I thought he was drunk. Then he proceeds to come up close to Jimmy and sticks his hand out and he shakes Jimmy's hand and thanks him, (at this point I recognize his girlfriend from the school) he thanks Jimmy for encouraging him one day when he was playing catch with his buddy. It was totally bizzare! but an adventure non the less we both sighed a breath of relief when they got back in the car and drove away. What an adventure it has been and I can't wait to see what else happens!

By The Way

B&G got it together and we got a blind yesterday! YEAH B & G! We love you again. (I'm sorry that my underwear was everywhere it was a rough morning!)

On the Surface

Sometimes I worry about my family. I know deep down that there is nothing real to worry about but on the surface sometimes I get caught up in it all and it worries me. My parents are in love. (so... what's the problem? right?) well there's more to it than that. Sometimes to talk to them you wouldn't know that. When mom considers (only on the surface) leaving my dad. and when my dad slips into this 'other-world' state that hes been in for a while now (about a year), I can't help but worry and then there's us kids. Stasi just graduated and she's working at Eckard, not a huge deal; she's going to Denver in May to train to be a 'missionary-type-person'. But she worries me sometimes (only on the surface though) that she doesnt realize that she's made for GREAT things! I can't wait to see what God is going to do with her and through her and I love that I got to be a small part in it. (even if it's just picking out her prom date)! And Amanda, she's stuck in mediocrity too sometimes. She's an amazing person who is going to see amazing things happen in her lifetime and she'll have a part in making them happen. Alex is another story. I get mad sometimes because he's getting gypet. He has an amazing family but sometimes we can't get ourselves together enough to pass that on to him. We all have our own lives and forget that there's a little one who needs to get a life, who is moldable and watching every move we make. So I guess that leaves me, ministryless and depressed (at the moment). missing God and crying inside but too proud to let that penitrate to my surface. We all have the good inside, the amazing the spectacular but we build walls to keep it inside and then we wonder why we can't see the amazing and the spectacular and we blame God for it. Like he made us this way. but he didn't he made us to be amazing and spectacular and proactive! 'God-help me to be what is indwelled within me!'

What am I Waiting For?

So now that I'm old I have found that life is a series of changes. Things that you once thought were constant are not constant anymore. Friends you thought were forever are now friends you won't see till forever and friends you counted off your list have become forever friends with you. The other day I asked God to show me that my life was still exciting because I have felt lately that my life is just a waste of time waiting to end. So instead of doing the 'human thing' that I expected of giving me exciting events one after another or opening my eyes to what I have, he took it in a little bit different of a direction. I was talking on IM and he began to show me that my life isn't wasted in waiting. He showed me what some people I knew have become when they went looking for excitement or haven't waited. two of my friends came 'out of the closet' as homosexuals. This came as a shock. one of those things you just don't expect in a million years. Girls you have joked with and grown up with, girls who gave you dating advice when you came to them broken are now changed in your view forever. Not in a 'bad' way just in a different way. I was presented with a situation where a lovely couple didn't wait and now their marrage is wrecked and broken. Over all I know that God has a plan for all of these individuals but he showed me through them that he still has a plan for me! I can't wait to see what it is!

I'm OLD!!!!

Okay maybe I'm not old yet but tomorrow I will be. This is my last day as a teenager, I thought (too late) that I should have worn my hair in pigtails and skipped everywhere. I am going to be 20 tomorrow! AH! It's scary because I'm not a teen anymore and I have to start doing responsiable, ok nothing is really going to change but it feels like it will so here's to the last days of childhood!!
YIPPPPPEEEEE!

Getting over it.

So this morning and basically for the last few days, my emotions have been on edge, I have been testy and I haven't been very nice to most people. Oh outside I was all hugs and smiles but inside I was hopeing that they tripped with their soup in hand and spilt it all over the others that were standing around them. Ok maybe that's a bit melodramatic but it's true, I have been wishing ill-will on others lately. It's not that it's their fault or that I 'hate' them it's just that I don't like the relationships that have bloomed/died this semester and really it's because of me. For those of you who don't know I work about 36 hours a week as well as holding down a 18 credit semester and 20 hours of educational field experiance. So really I have just worked my butt off this semester to help pay for school. it's working (only 1600 in loans for two years!) but at what cost. I feel so unconnected to my friends, I don't know how to fix it though. Like this morning Mandi was all excited because she and Mike (this guy who she likes but refuses to admit that she wants to get with him) and going on a double 'date' with Jolly, Hon. Normally I would be so excited that they are going but the fact that she is now OK with them (Mike and her) going out with other couples kinda hurt. Cause I tried to plan an 'outing' with Dustin and I and Mike and Mandi and she flipped out and said it would be too strange. I respect that but don't turn around 1 week later and act like the oppertunity has never presented itself. So then we talked about Dustin and I cause I know she has a past with him and if that is strange then I understand that too. But she said it wasn't and that she felt sometimes like Dustin takes up all of my freetime. And I really just wanted to say to her 'cause anytime I try to hang out with you, you blow me off' like this past Fri. I planned to hang out with her after I got off work but she called about 30 min before I got off and was like 'we are going to Justin's meet us there if you want'.. I would have had to walk to Justin's by myself, in the dark, and Nyack isn't the safest town ever. So I told her I would see her when she got back. Then Dustin called and invited me to go hotdog shopping so I went. I'm not just gonna sit around in my room and if she doesn't want to hang out then fine, I have other friends. That's really how I feel and I know that I should just tell her but well, its hard, cause I do work A LOT! and I don't see her as often as I would like, but even when I take off work to hang out, somehow I feel blown off like she doesn't want me around. She says that she and Lauren feel the same way about me but I really don't get it. I don't know maybe I'm just closed minded. I'll get over it. Sorry if this doesn't exactly make sence to any of you. you'll get over it too.

Too Unreal

This is too unreal, I'm sitting in my room right now.. trying to write a paper but right now there are 7 other girls in my room, Erica and Amanda are sharing my bed, Kate just moved to my desk chair, Katie is on the floor behind my chair, sleeping on some coats all laid out on the floor, Mie Me is at the foot of Mandi's bed and Mandi is in her bed. and some girl who I don't even know is sleeping next to my chair on the floor. Why you may ask, that is a very good question, it was about 2:00 am when Mandi's phone started to ring and then mine went off. There was a carbonmonoxide leak in the other girls dorm and so they all had to evacuate and some of them ended up here in my room! it's like a freaky sleepover. they finally all went to sleep after much excitement. But life is good, Kate is wearing my beanie from work, that's exciting, this will be an interesting morning when we all get up... the bathroom will be nutz! but we'll handle that when we get there. For now I'm going back to trying to write this stupid paper. Maybe I'll give up, but my motivation is that I don't have a bed to sleep in. there's no room at this inn!

B&G

B&G is not at good as M&M's but we like them anyway. I have a funny story to tell you. Mandi and I skipped chapel on Fri. ('hethans' I know) so we were in our room around 10:25am, Mandi had just gotten back from the shower and I had just gotten back from trying to dig a grave for Juda, so I was dressed in all black.
*Side note*
apparently pple will think it's strange if we dig a hole next to A.B.'s grave so this funeral may have to be late at night so no one can tell that we are digging and so nobody will think that we are trying to dig up old A.B.
*Back to the funny story that isn't funny yet*
so I was dressed but Mandi was not when we hear the B&G guys come on the floor ('Man on the floor') Mandi freaks out and slams the door shut and is like 'OMG I'm naked what should we do!' I told her to simply lock the door and forget about it, they weren't going to be comming into our room. No sooner had I said that than there was a knock on our door ('B&G') Again this sends Mandi into a fit, so if they hadn't already established that someone in our room was naked they now had a pretty strong suspicion. Mandi replies in the most haried way, 'One min., Hold on!' Leaving no doubt in their minds that she is naked. They were there to fix our blinds. (They used my screwdriver! I think they were impressed at my selection of tools) they took our blind and said that they had to get one that fit and that they would be back. So they left and we got ready for Lunch and left them a clever little thank-you taped to the window. It said 'Thanks for helping us in a 'blind'' He He He :P We thought it was clever but I'm afraid they are Canadian and won't get it. Oh well. So when we got back the note was gone, but I can still look straight out my window, no blinds! B&G it is rude to accept thanks for things you don't do. Didn't your mom ever tell you this?

Mourning (again)

Juda is offically dead. He died on Feb. 17th around 5 pm. It was a sad event, we all thought he was kidding again however after he didn't move for about 4 hours except to float to the top (sorry for the mental pic) we determined that he had kicked the bucket. :( Life is rough. We were going to have the funeral on Fri the 18th, however we had to postpone it because apparently you can not dig a grave in the middle of winter with a spoon because the ground is too hard. Therefore we put Juda on ice and we are waiting warmer weather or better excavation tools, whichever comes first. If you would like to send condolences you can send them here in the form of a comment or you can email them to baz48@stargate.net . either is acceptable, it will be a closed casket funeral and I will let you know when it will be. Thankyou for your heartfelt pity on my plight, the surviving family is coping well and seeking to bring joy to some other aquatic animal in the near future.

I Shouldn't Write 'How to' Books

Sometimes the right things hurt, like when you disipline a child or when you have to say goodbye to someone and you don't really want to. 'Why does the right thing hurt so much?' is one of the questions I find myself asking God. Tonight just to give you some background. I was sopposed to go out with Dustin and we were going to originally watch 'The Notebook' Then with strong warning from my family (*stasi*) I told him I would rather not watch such a romantic movie with him because I didn't think that it would be the best signal to send him because we aren't dating. So he was kinda perplexed by that (I guess that's the right word for it) but he went along with it (like he does all of my random mood swings) and we changed the movie, then he was all about not doing it in the lobby of Boon, but instead doing it in one of the classrooms of Boon, so I decieded that was also not the best of signals, alone in a darkened room with him. So I nixed that idea too. So then tonight he calls and he's like 'karate is meeting in the lobby so we can either cancel or do it upstairs' To which I was very apprehensive, because although I wanted to hang out with him, I was now worried about the message that I was sending. So I decided to nix the whole thing, which brought on a ton of stuff that I'm about to explain in great detail to you all. See I got there (because he talked me into comming to talk about my 'problems') and he has flowers and rootbeer and cheese curls (I'm a sucker for rootbeer and cheese curls). And he obviously had this all planned out to be a wonderful evening. So he wanted to talk and I just realized that for as concrete as it was in my mind I couldn't at that moment put into words a coherent explaination of what I had been working over in my mind for the past month in bits and peices. So I told him that I didn't want to talk about it. Then as I was getting my stuff to leave, I accidently knocked the flowers over onto the floor (bad move). Basically anything that could go wrong on my Valentines Day did.
*Side Note*
Did I mention that instead of being warm like it has been, it snowed and was rainny, Naufey as my sister would say)
*Back to the Horror*
So here is an explaination or just my random thoughts to help me get them together to talk to him. See I broke up with him... umm... 2 months ago (I'm sure he remembers the exact date, that's the story of our relationship, he remembers everything I remember nothing) ANYway, we broke up and he did the whole groveling thing and all, and well, I called him 4 days later, not on my own accord, well I guess I should explain that. See before we dated we were really close friends, and we talked all the time and then we started dating and we talked even more than all the time (we talked in our sleep, at least I did) and so I went from having my bestfriend around to talk to anytime I wanted to having noone to talk to and not being able to call my bestfriend and finally (4 days after breaking up) I got sick of it and decieded that it was rediculous for me not to call my bestfriend just because I broke up with my boyfriend. So I called. (totally oblivious to the signal that I was sending to the poor heartbroken guy) So we began talking at first on the phone just a little then a lot and then we started hanging out, in groups, then alone and at first just a little then more and more, and then a ton. So we were basically seen as being back together .. I was just happy to have my bestfriend back. And now we had benefits that we didn't have when we first started. So that was great... NOT!... so as all of this was going on, I realized that I was sending him mixed signals, one saying, 'we are just friends and that's all I really want' and one that was saying, 'I want to be with you I'm just scared of commitment and I will get over it, hang with me here.' So I realized that it wasn't fair to him to put him through this guessing game every day so I finally decided that although it could mean that I lose my bestfriend for good I was going for it, I was going to make him understand that we were broken up, I decied to do this in proper Abi fashion of course by acting distant and not really talking with him about it. That needless to say doesn't work, my book on 'How to Handle a Dating Relationship' failed miserably. So back to square one, what to do, then tonight happens and I figured that 'I was done sending those signals his way' 'I was not going to give into the fleshly part of me that loved having him hold me and kiss me everyonceinawhile' I was putting my foot down, yet again the book on 'How to Manage a Dating Relationship' also failed to make the cut. So now I'm left with a totally confused guy who loves me blindly and would do anything for me. And me in a puddle of emotion yet again. This was not how my Valentines Day was sopposed to go!

He's Alive!

I know it's not Easter yet but I had an Easter experiance the other night! Juda, my fish, was raised from the dead, I know you are thinking that I'm nutz and the fish was prolly just sleeping but that's not true. We poked him and he didn't move, the fish was DEAD but now he is ALIVE! Praise the Lord!

A puddle of emotion

So today has been both the crappiest day and the best day all rolled into one. First the crappy (so we end on a hight note) I woke up and skipped chapel and my first class, the chapel was planned but the skipping of the first class happened because I totally forgot. My buddy Dan comes up to me at Lunch and is like 'you know we are skipping our Tech class' and I about fell out of my chair... I totally had forgotten but then Dan flipped out more than I did, so that made me feel better. Then I went to my 2:00 in HT and I was late. The only class I went to today and I was late. Then I went to work and my manager, who is not the sanest person in the world fired my favorite person who worked there. So I had to close by myself. I love you John! Then we were so slow I wanted to take pictures of myself (shoot myself) because I was soo bored. Then Dustin picked me up from work and we had words. Then I got home and I found out that I had forgotten that my clothes were in the dryer downstairs and some uncaring soul put them on the floor (lovingly I'm sure), So I have to rewash them. Then I got upstairs, and Lauren, Sarah and Mandi my roomie are all there and they look at me with that look that says bad news and said 'Juda died'. Those two small words made me want to melt into the floor in a puddle of emotion. But I didn't.
*Side note*
I really haven't talked about Juda a ton in this blog. But I love him just the same, he was the best darn fish a person could ask for. He would swim around all day and it is really sad because he missed his playdate with Ren and Stimpy down the hall and now they will never be able to hang out again.
*Back to the insanity*
So at this point in my day I'm in the process of picking up the pieces of my day and seeing what I can salvage. I did have a GREAT talk with my roomie this morning, and I got to sleep well, dispite the bloody nose that I had at 4:15 this morning. My 1:00pm class was canceled so I had time to do some stuff, like laundry that needed done pretty badly. I got to sit with Lauren and Steph and Kim and people at lunch which was fun. I also got to go to work and take Andrew's picture, He's the cutiest kid ever! And I got to eat dinner for free. This kid from 'fatburger' came in and gave us cupons for free dinner at 'fatburger' because they are training their new employees and they needed to have a 'practice day' or something. Anyway, so I ate dinner for free and it was really good. I also got to work with Helena who is an absolute doll. And then Dustin picked me up and we got to goof off like racing to the car (I won). And when I got home there were people here and when I went down to collect my laundry Dan had a flower for me. It's really pretty and it's white and I think we'll put it on Juda's grave. So all in all I guess today wasn't that bad but I still want to just dissolve into a puddle of emotion. I'll refrain for now for your sakes and for the pure fact that this is really long.

This is a Public Road

Who would have thought that it was illegal to be on a public road? I guess I can understand however as this story unfolds for you reading pleasure just remember that 'this is a public road'. I go to this really nice college in NY where we hold to a high moral code and even higher codes of conduct. So that means that although cerfew is at 1:00am and it only applies to freshman, all well lit, heated areas are closed to the students around midnight. This forces the students into their cars and the out-of-the way places where only 'evil' can happen. So Dustin and I wanted to watch a movie after I got off work tonight but we knew that we wouldn't have time to finish it if we were in Boon or somewhere else on campus. So we went to this little knook that we had been to before to watch the movie in his car. So, we finished the movie and we were just hanging-out, making-out and chating and all of the sudden I see this light flash in the rear window. I thought it might be campus security out to bother the life out of someone else, but it wasn't the flashing lights that their infiriority complex makes them drive around with, It was more like a flashlight. So I'm like, what was that and we see this cop shining his flashlight in the window. This is soo not happening is running through my mind. So the guy bangs on the window, doesn't tap but bangs impatiently like we should have realized that he wanted us to roll down the window or like we wouldn't hear him even though we were both looking at him. So anyway. We roll down the window and he says 'Why are you sleeping on a public highway?' to which I wanted to respond, 'we were talking but if you would like us to be sleeping together to make your night more exciting why don't you get back in your car and give me about 4 min. to seduce my friend here and we'll try this all over again.' Instead we expressed our ignorance that we thought we were still on campus, (that was a lie but it could'a worked) (but it didn't) So he askes for licence and registration, and ID for me.
*Side Note*
Why didn't he ask me for the licence and registration? Chovanistic Pigs!
*Back to the Insanity*
So he takes our stuff and goes into his little car for a looong time. I don't know what he was doing and maybe the entire sane world will never know but... he comes back and we express our apoligies and our willingness to just leave this 'public road' He is all short with us and is like 'This is a public road' and I swear his record was broken, I just wanted to give him a slap about the head to unstick him so he would stop saying that. So he tells us to get out of here before he 'starts to write us up a lot of paper and we'll have to appear in court.' I just found out something really funny though that makes this all the better. The road is in fact not part of the public highway, it is a privately owned road. So mister police man, We will take our conversation elsewhere but know that 'This is a PRIVATE road'!

Grammar and Phonology

My fast is officially over. I guess you could have deduced that from the soup eating in the last post but that's beside the point. AHH! I hate the English Language! Not really, actually I love it. My roomie thinks I'm crazy and today almost commited me when I got soo excited about my 'Story of the English Language' textbook in the mail!
*Side note*
I got 5 packages today! That is amazing because I never get mail, I mean they don't even send me those annoying campus mailings about sporting events or the business clubs latest fund raiser that noone goes to. (no offence Lauren :P ) I got the pink slips all 5 and I thought they were playing a joke on me but they said, no they had 5 packages for me no joke. But the real joke was that I had to sign for each one seperatly, it took foooorrreeevvver!
*Back to reality*
Anyway about the English language, I'm taking this class 'Grammar and Phonology' which is soo exciting you have no idea. (Thus my roomie is concerned) But the one bad thing is that it makes me examine my grammar and sentence structure, even in my journaling, I have deleted so many mistakes that I would have left in except that I couldn't look at them. Isn't life strange the one thing you love you hate with an equal passion. I guess that's not true for all things though but it's true about a ton of things. Like Peanut Butter (don't ask about the new obsession with PB) you love the way it tastes but you hate the way it makes you gain weight. And School, you love it because you know it's gonna be good in the long run but in the present you hate it because it seems pointless. But God isn't like that. you can't hate him, he's always good!

Dead

Today I died but don't worry I know you won't care. Ok that was really just for the reaction, I hope it gets one, nothing I write seems to get any reaction and sometimes I wonder if anyone is reading this? Am I loved and sometimes I even wonder if I put pants on before I walked to chapel? But that last one is a little unrelated although true. Basically I'm gonna post this and when I come back and look at it I want to know that you are reading this. Even if you just write to me and let me know that you do read this. This is a bit selfcentered I know but, hey this is my little webspace and I'll be selfcentered in it if I want to. So there!

The End of a Beginning

Right now I'm eating a bowl of soup. That may not seem weird to you but it really is. See it's Febuary. Again not that strange you say. but in Febuary I fast. not like running, like not eating and spending time seeking God's direction in differant areas of my life. This isn't the first time I've done this month long fast but it is the first time I've had problems like this. I have to ween myself off of food for a week before the month starts because otherwise your body doesn't know what is going on. So on the 31 I had a nose bleed. Which I didn't think anything of except that it was annoying and long. Then yesterday the 1st of Feb. I was at karate and my roomie (bless her) grazed my nose with a palm strike, barely even touched me. and I bled for the rest of class (about 30 min) THEN... this morning I wake up and I find that it's 'that time of month' which is also strange but for other reasons. Anyway, this afternoon I was having cramps galor and then I passed out. (*gasp*) I can hear you all don't worry I'm fine, I just got shaky and then whoa I was on the floor. So that is the physical reaction my body has been having, but the emotional and spiritual have been just as weird, yesterday after karate I just felt like I needed to cry, strange I know but I did and it made me feel ok but not better and then this morning I felt like yelling at my roomie for the dumbest things and I know that some pple are gonna say it's just cause I'm menstral but I don't think that's it. Spiritually I have felt fenced in, like I don't have anyway out of the horror that I feel when I feel fenced in, alone. Over all I have been thinking that it was Satan attacking me but when I look at it more closely I know that it's partly him but I think that God also has had a hand in it. Comming into this month I felt uneasy about the fast which has never been the case, I didn't have direct guidence from him till almost the last min. and even then it wasn't really as specific as he usually is. I feel almost sinful eating this soup but I know that my body needs it but I feel as if I almost should have just turned to God a long time ago and asked for help, to overcome all the strangeness. Please Pray.

So it's been a while and I'm sorry but life moves at a break-neck pace these days. Draging myself out of bed, classes, work, homework, throwing myself into bed; and all the fun inbetween. Somewhere in there I find time to shower, terorize my roomie and go out with friends. It's a jam-packed life these days! But a good one. Dustin and I are doing well, we are no longer hating eachother; although he claims he never did. (the jury's still out) We aren't together for all of you that are wondering and I don't really think we ever will be but we are still friends. Sometimes our friendship is unconventional but we both like it that way and it's safe for both of us (and by 'both of us' I mean me). I got a package the other day that was exciting! DJ Hoppa sent me some mixez which was a welcome suprise! I gave one to Steph and she just about fell over with joy :P Anyway I guess that's all I have to say, have a great day, hey hey hey hey. (it's a song, say it out loud)

Peanuts

I love peanuts, wether they be in the form of lil peanuts that I deal with at work (Helena), or the roasted kind; I love 'em!

Just a lil thought

I told you that 'joy' thing was for real today I got an amazing thought from 'Praisenation' and thought I'd share it with you :

Today's Scripture comes at a very hard time in David's life (that's King David,author of most of the Psalms). HE was past his youth, he had sinned in a veryterrible way, committed adultery and murder, lost his friends and most of hisfamily, was a laughing stock, scorned by the other rulers of Israel. He was dying of some affliction or was in fear of his life from his enemies. Any ofthis sound familiar? Have you ever been in a situation where you just felt that allwas lost?, David was bargaining for his life.

His thought was basically as follows:"LORD, if you kill me, who is going to Praise you?" I want to draw two conclusions from this.

1. Praise must be very important to the LORD. David did not bargain with hismoney, his possessions or his stature on this earth. When we are bargaining for ourlife, wouldn't we use the most valuable thing we can to achieve our goal? Think about it for a moment. David was arguably the richest man on the face of theearth, and to win the LORD'S favor, he used Praise!

2. Praise was very important and valuable to David. Since he felt that he would besoon dead without the LORD'S intervention, David was giving it his best shot. Hehad pulled out all the stops, so to speak. To David, Praise was his bottom line. Could we say the same in our lives.

If we were to stand before the LORD to give anaccount of why we should continue in this life, could we say "Because I am a PraisePerson?" Seeing the great value placed on Praise by both King David and the LORD, would itnot seem fitting for us to incorporate this wonderful activity into our lives to thefullest extent possible? I think so!

God is SO Good

GOD IS GOOD! PRAISE HIS NAME!
Praise him loudly from the roof tops, from the highest peeks, from the tallest trees Praise his name!

Redeemed

The day is redeemed. I read about 30 pgs of Grammer and Phonology, (not all but almost half of the reading for tommorrow). I also got to talk to Bennett about my grade! and he changed it. Hardly any begging but just a little logic swayed him and he gave me a C+! yeah! so life is good yet again. Praise The Lord!

This is not a life

So here I am sitting in my underwear (sorry for the pic), writing in my blog at 12:30 in the afternoon on a Wed. I have done NOTHING! all day, I woke up around 10:15 and got out of bed around 11:20. Then I threw on a sweatshirt and went down stairs where I watched Gilmore girls for an HOUR! while eating peanutbutter M&M's. This is not a life, and if it is to someone I'm sorry. But I need to work, my boss is pissed at me so I'm not on the schedule untill Fri and then I work Fri all day and Sat all day. This should be interesting. But without the pressure of not having time to do anything I don't get out of bed and I dont work. it's crazy. i'm gonna have to go to the Library tonight to read this Grammer and Phonology (90pg) that I should have read this morning! this is ridiculous. and the episode of Gilmore Girls that I watched wasn't even a new one. I thought I missed my class... which would have just been sick (it's at 1:00pm) AHH what has my life become! I'm gaining weight and I'm not motivated enough to lose it and I'm getting lazy and I'm too lazy to motivate myself! This is just sick. This is not a life!

Totally Sureal

Okay, so tonight I hung out with Dustin. We had a color date that should have been fun, and it was. We joked around and colored two pictures each and it was a grand old time. It took me back. The problem is, it didn't take me far enough back. You see (and it's also partly my fault as well) we were acting almost like we were dating again, him reaching over to hold my hand and me flirting with him. Well now that I am looking back (ya know hindsight is 20/20) I see how that wasn't what either he or I needed. We needed to restablish the friendship not the relationship. So I don't know where to go from here. I also found out that he was sopposed to being hanging out with his roommate but instead he called him and canceled to hang out with me. That's not cool. I know he wants to hang with me but don't neglect those who are your closest friends for others who you are salvaging. Like I said in the beginning I can't place all the blame on him even though I wish I could but I can't cause I was at fault too. I just don't know what to do now. I tried talking and we talked for about 2 1/2 hrs. That's too much. (Again I didn't say goodbye either) But now we hung out and that didn't work either. I know this isn't going to be easy to restablish this friendship but I don't know if I am ready to put so much effort forth to fix the many problems that we have. I don't know what to do now. It's just not working.

Get your Joy on!

Yesterday as I was talking to Dustin I was surfing the web for online devotionals just to see what is out there. Well what I found was this site that said that they would send me 'JOY' each Monday to start my week of crazyness off right. So of course my curiosity got the best of me and I gave them my email. Well I figured that it would be interesting to see what would happen so today I checked my email and I found that they had infact sent me 'joy' but how joyfull I wondered. I was already tickled pink to have something to read in my inbox which is usually stuffed with junk mail anyway. So I opened it and by golly I almost laughed out loud in Olsen's class (which would have been bad). The first line of me 'joy' was 'Get Your Joy On and Praise the Lord All Week Long!' like I said I almost laughed out loud but it really did bring joy into my week. So GET YOUR JOY ON!

"This is the day the LORD has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it." Psalms 118:24

Snowing Stupidity

Today it SNOWED! I say that in that manner because it's still coming down from the sky. I am hoping that it stops because I have to open the store tomorrow.. ewww. But really it's coming down and we have quite a bit of snow on the ground! I went to work today. which was kinda dumb because we closed early around 4:30pm and I went in at 2pm. And I risked my life both getting there and coming home. But anyway, as I was fleeing the mall for my life I walked by the foodcourt and I saw the most splendid act of stupidity. There were people eating at Burger King! As if your life is not in danger already from the weather, you are cloging your arteries with fast food! the nerve of some people! not that I don't eat at BK every once in a while but I just don't think that it is wise to bring your children out in the bad conditons to eat unhealthy food. I didn't think it was snowing stupidity but apparently I am wrong.

A Rush of Emotion

"Did your parents cry in front of you when you were younger?" It's just a simple question, but it has such implications. I have found that the emotional health of the child is based largely (not wholely) on the emotional health that the parents display. My parents never really showed emotion (ie crying, yelling) around me when I was younger. From that I formed my belief that to show emotion is weakness. To cry makes you vulnerable and to yell is insensitive. So that was fine when I was still in the environment but now I'm out in the 'real world' and I have found that my assumptions are not true and are in fact harmful. Last night I was talking to my roomie about this and she said that sometimes it annoys her about my happiness that seems to be present all the time. she said "sometimes I just want to tell you to stop smiling because I know that's not how you feel" and over break someone said to me that I have an aura of happiness and carefreeness. That it seems as if I don't feel hurt or sad ever. Well that's not true, the other night I was hurt, and I cried, but even when I was crying I felt foolish and dumb, like I shouldn't have the right to cry and expect other people to hold me up. (which they did, I have amazing friends) but when I think about it it kinda scares me because although I know that I can cope with the way I am, I dont' want to screw up my children. I want them to be healthy but I don't even know where to begin as far as showing the correct amout of emotion with my children. I have a long time until I have to really worry about kids but I do worry sometimes that I'm not really fit to be a mother and that is the reason I am the way God made me. But when I look at that it reaks of the devil, I know it's just a lie right from him to hold me down, but you know, sometimes you know it's not the truth but you still believe it. I don't know what brought this rush of emotional thinking on me but I really wish I could just remain in my 'happy bubble' as some people call it and not have to worry about anything.

Learning Disabled

I spent 4 hrs of my life yesterday being learning disabled, I mean learning about being learning disabled. It a class that I'm taking this semester that should be fun. I'm looking forward to the knowledge that I'll gain however the work is astronomical! I had to write out an outline that's about 4 pages long (the chapter is 40 pgs.) than I had to do my case study and finally I had to take a quiz for the chapter this morning! it's nutz, by the time I'm done with this class I think I'll be learning disabled!

It's A Child Eat Cherrios World Out There

Some people say that it's a dog eat dog world out there but I have found that in my line of work it's a child eat cherrio world or sometimes they don't eat them and they just throw them around and then their big fat parents just stomp all over them and make a huge mess. Sometimes when I get home from work at night around 11pm I wonder if it's really worth all of it and I dwell on the messy cherrios and the big fat parents. But not tonight, tonight I am blessed. I was closing tonight (what is new) but I was told that I'm being demoted! Okay now you are thinking that I'm not blessed but merely touched. Not really, see I'm gonna be just an associate with the power of an assit. manager still. And my pay isn't being affected. So I have less responsibility and the same pay. like I said blessed! Also I got to hang out with Jon cause no one is getting pictures taken at 8:30pm on a Mon night. So he left about then and then came back and I had forgotten how much fun we have together! When he first started, he was a little touchy feely, always hugging me and just generally touching me. So it's all good now. We just joke around a lot! It makes work fun. so then we closed and that's something else I love about closing with Jon because he gives me a ride back to school. I still haven't decided how I am going to thank him for doing that all the time. We had to do the night drop as well, that was kinda weird and new. OH I forgot to talk about the most blessed part of my night, when Jon had stepped out Carly came in and we got to talk, which is weird because I don't think that Carly and I have ever really talked about anything, she's really Mandi's friend. But she had some really good stuff to say and that was good. Then Anders came in and that was just strange. cause of this summer, it's still a little strange to see them together especially the way they are when they are together. Sooo anyway, that was good. And I just want to also say while I'm on the blessed kick that I am sooo blessed to have AJ as a friend who is concerned with me, we reconnected over this past break and that is wonderful, last night he called just to see if I needed someone to talk me to sleep, that was soo sweet! Thank you God for the blessings you are pouring out on me!

Reading disclaimer

So I'm writing my thoughts: if you are reading this and do not wish to go inside of my head then don't read it. I can't and won't censor my thoughts for you. So I'm kind of upset now. As I mentioned in my past entry; I was contemplating breaking it off with my boyfriend, and eventually did. It's been rough these past few days for me and I don't want to even imagine what it has been like for him. I don't think it came out of the blue for him but I'm not sure, we got together to talk about the whole thing the day after we broke it off. At least that's what I thought we were getting together to talk about, but it turns out it was mostly (not all but mostly) about trying to talk me out of the decision that I had made. He played every card he had, the 'my friends think it was low too' card, the 'what about the promises we made' and the ultimate one, 'Were you lying when you said you loved me?' I dont' think that his friends know the whole truth so I'm not that upset about that, although I don't like to think that people believe that I'm less of a considerate person than I am. The promises weren't that many and none of them were concrete, we had been together for about 3 months officially and he's only known me for not even a year! so really there weren't that many promises or any real basis to base longlasting promises on. and finally when I said I loved him, that was really for me, that was me saying, 'ok, now I'm in this and I'm gonna give it my all till I can't or do not feel that I should anymore' and that's what happened. I felt he was more of a duty than a joy in my life, I felt that he was a restriction rather than a freedom. So to Dustin, (if you are reading this) I'm sorry, pure and simple, I'm not appologizing for what I did but I'm sorry for the pain and frustration that I caused you and I hope that you can forgive me someday.

Distracted

OK so I'm not distracted as much as I'm distracting myself. I was reading my sister's blog and found the most wonderful treasure, you know where it says in Matthew that 'Mary treasured up all of these things in her heart'? well I have been challenged to find just such treasures in my life and place them in the recesses of my heart to grow from warm, fuzzy feelings into concrete joy and hope. So anyway, as stated before my sister Stasi was in an acciedent and I had some crap to deal with from that. I was sopposed to be in the seat that Alex was in, he should never have been in that car when it smashed into a cement barrier at 60 mph. I guess I'm still dealing with that in my own 'put-it-off-till-you-can't-anymore' way. So back to my story. After the accident I think we all just went into self-preservation mode and no one really talked about how they felt. So I felt kinda like I didn't have a right to be upset about myself or have feelings that others needed to listen to. So I cried with Manda till she calmed down and then rubbed her back till she fell asleep and I woke up in the morning to make everyone blueberry pancakes and made sure that the girls had food to eat and headache and pain medicine at the right times and not too much. And then the other set of feelings came in, the ones that say that 'you are affected too, why should you have to do everything?' and I gave into them somewhat, I fought with Stasi and then felt awful, I just wanted to hug her and tell her that it would be ok and that everyone loved her and that it wasn't her fault, but now that I had been selfish I couldn't and it made me feel like crap and when that happens I lash out, and she was the obvious canidate. So then Alex came home and things got better in some ways, because with Alex my mom came home and then I didn't feel like I had to hold this family together any longer. So I had time to dwell on the selfish thoughts of being unappriciated. Then today I'm putting off outlining 4 chapters of Grammer lessons and reading Stasi's blog and I found out that she really does appriciate me and the things that I do and it made me feel wonderful and I'm storing that one up for later, hopefully it can go with me in my little treasure box I'm convinced we all get to take to heaven.

givenUPDATEing

Been a while and tons has happened. Let me catch you up. First school let out then I went home, Stasi and I fought about dumb stuff, then she wrecked her car to peices with Ami and Alex inside, don't worry everyone but Alex got away without a scratch, Alex had a lacerated Kidney, he's ok now and looking to go back to school on Tues. Prolly for just a half-day. So then I was home watching him and being his maid. While all of this was happening, my boyfriend Dustin was in South Jersey with my friend Lauren staying there for 3 weeks, that went well, at least that's the story they are telling me, but now mysteriously Lauren's mom is praying really hard for me. go figure. AND while all of this is happening, I went on a date with Brian, that was fun, we went to see Lemonysniket (spelled entirely wrong I'm sure) and then we had a 'fake' snowball fight, because there was no snow. We had tennisballs. it was fun, then he drove away just as a joke and an old man in his PJ's came out and asked me if he should call the police and if I was ok. I said yes and we got away without any police involvement on our date! So now I'm back at school and joy of all joys, Dustin is being super needy and weird and it's freaked me out to the point that I am right now in the process of decieding wether to break it off or not. I am struggling about wether it makes me a bad person because most of my reasons are about me and concern for me, but I am being reassured that I'm not selfish and that it's really the right thing to do in the long run. OH and yesterday I dropped 6 credits from my schedule, that was fun, I also picked up the most difficult class that Nyack offers, Grammer and Phonology with EP, so that will be fun, and I upset the dean of the school of education also, by taking his class and ended up dropping it for fear of not being accepted into the school. not cool. But life is ok now... I think.